#also I am baffled it never occurred to me that I could or should have taken time off after a concussion

[tj-crochets]

I was off work for a month with a concussion and had left my indoor shoes there. A really little kid who was having a Tough Time filled my shoes with water bottle caps which was baffling and hilarious when i discovered that a few weeks later

Little kids are so great! Baffling but hilarious is like my favorite little kid thing

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.

I don't have external meltdowns.

I could. I don't let it happen.

I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.

So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.

She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.

Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].

It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.

They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.

I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.

I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.

I couldn't understand what made her like this.

But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.

If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.

And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*

And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?

My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.

Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???

And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.

I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*

She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.

I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.

So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.

But I told her hundreds of times.

I probably should have just screamed at her.

[esc-is-holding-me-hostage]

Final thoughts/rant/whatever

- Yeah, Greece giving Cyprus meager 4 points meant that it's all doomed

- The real crimes of the juries were putting Israel 2nd and Estonia 5th

- My tweet asking Ukrainians not to vote for Poland got a surprising 1000+ likes and retweets. And guess what? IT DIDN'T FUCKING MATTER, 'CAUSE WE GAVE 12 POINTS TO POLAND ANYWAY сукакурванахуйблядь I hate it here

- Slovenia in the 21st place is makes me wanna put on Joker (hehe) makeup

- Germany putting in effort and still being dead last is just sad

And now for the big thing

Do I think that the show was "rigged" in Loreen's favor? No.

But I'm still upset and the difference of 163 points between her and jury's second place is absolutely fucking baffling.

The jury vote system is designed in such a way that huge point gaps are less likely to occur AND YET. May I remind you that in 2019 correcting the votes of one (1) country changed the jury winner.

I'm sure they will try to change the system somehow next year. After all, we've got the current system after Sweden won as a jury 1st, televote 3rd place.

That said. Oh my god, can you guys fucking chill? Stop with these ridiculous conspiracy theories. "It's because of ABBA's win anniversary", "Melfest was purposely made bad so she could win" - jeeeesus.

Loreen was second in the televote, she got points from literally every country except for Finland (obviously), it's not like she was pushed to the winning spot from out of the top 10. People, a lot of people, voted for her. She did have the whole package with a good song, great vocals and great staging. It's not like the juries handed Bridges a win.

Do you all have the memory of a goldfish and don't remember KEiiNO? Who also won the televote but not the whole thing? This is not the first time this is happenned, come on, shit like this is bound to occur sometimes.

"The juries were put in place because of the anti Eastern-European sentiment, we don't need them anymore". Yes, and also because the contest was filled with shit-tier joke entries fighting for the televotes.

"The televoters know what's best!" After 5 points (last place) to Blanca and 81 points (8th) to Blanka? After 16 points to Austria? Really?

Look. I am also upset at the result. I turned off my TV before the winner's repriese, for fuck's sake. I expected Loreen to fight for that 1st jury spot. I expected Käärijä to get between 60 and 100 jury points so I could give up my hopes before they even started announcing the televote results. But he was in the 4th spot, and I thought that maybe, just maybe he can still win. And that's why you should never get your expectations up, kids.

tl;dr: Käärijä deserved to win, but making up fucking conspiracy theories to justify your fave not winning is stupid and you all should chill and stream Cha Cha Cha or something. Give the green man those 0.003 dollars.

[avelera]

Fic writers, I am begging you, stop mindlessly putting "beard burn" into all of your smut fics involving a bearded character

So a minor pet peeve of mine when reading smut fics that involve a bearded characters is how often they mention beard burn as if it's inevitable. Like, it's practically a staple at this point in what I've been reading and as a writer who believes in writing accurately from experience, lemme explain something to those of you who may not have actually lived such an experience below the cut:

1 ) I, personally, have received oral sex from bearded partners many times and never experienced beard burn down there. Now, to be clear, this could be a matter of how the legs are positioned. But I have very sensitive skin so this isn't simply a matter of me somehow doing it wrong when I say beard burn between the legs after oral has never happened to me.

If the legs are positioned wide, say over the shoulders, there's no reason that beard burn should occur unless the person deliberately rubs their face, hard against your inner thigh, which would involve them pausing in the actual giving of oral. Oral involves lips and tongue, the cheeks really don't get involved during concentrated efforts unless the legs are deliberately tightened around the face (say, from face sitting or some other position), which by the way, would also hamper the actual movement of giving oral and so would be unlikely to cause the friction of a beard burn. Maybe others have experienced it otherwise, I leave that possibility open, but I personally have never had that happen.

The same goes for a blow job here, by the way. Seriously, people, I want you to actually picture the mechanics of giving a blow job and tell me where exactly the cheeks of a bearded person would be rubbing against the skin of someone with an aroused, jutting cock, even if deep throating was involved, for goodness sake.

2 ) Beards actually tend to be quite soft, especially if they are grown out. What isn't soft is stubble. So a character who is normally clean shaven but has a five-o-clock shadow is more likely to cause some friction, more often during kissing or other activities that involve rubbing their cheeks against you deliberately, than a fully bearded person would cause it from giving oral sex. The stubble people are the problem, not the fully bearded people!!

3 ) Fluids. I love how people feel like they need to mention beard burn during oral for realism, somehow, but don't mention the fact that a beard is basically a sponge on someone's face and especially if they're going down on someone with a clit, there's going to be fluids involved if they're doing it right. Even whether it's male or female oral, there's going to be fluids involved because of their own spit, most likely. The fluids soak into the beard.

More to the point, regarding beard burn, the fluids reduce the likelihood of beard burn even if they're taking breaks to deliberately rub their bearded mouth against skin elsewhere, because the fluids soften the beard.

TL;DR Look, obviously someone with a beard, or a short bristly beard, or stubble, could choose to rub their cheeks against the inner thigh of someone they're giving oral to, deliberately, or against their face while kissing. Obviously there could be beard textures I haven't experienced where beard burn is somehow more common.

But this detail I'm seeing everywhere where a bearded guy going down on someone, especially if it's a fuller beard, automatically meaning beard burn is involved is just completely baffling to me and I'm pretty sure not based on people examining their own personal experience so even if I'm wrong in all cases for other people, for goodness sake, at least take an extra second to think about the mechanics of how exactly this beard burn is happening, especially when it's a blow job story, for goodness sake!

[themagikmirror]

Sharing A Piece of My Cancer Profection Year (so far) . . .

I read Sidereal Birth Charts. I learned how to do this in 2020 through studying, observing and application. Sidereal Astrology has simply become a language for me to decode and translate many things into plain and simple words. I don't have to do the most complex calculations to see divine messages. It's just a God-sent talent, that I've developed of course, but it's somewhat natural at this point. So every year we go through profections in our birth chart. Profections are the divisions or degrees of which your entire birth chart is divided into ; aka the houses. This means whatever the sign of that house/division of your birth chart is in for the given calendar year (or really year of age) : themes/lessons/blessings and karmic events will occur all related to this sign. Think of the house and zodiac sign as being the "main character" that year. This year I am experiencing a Cancer Profection and I wanted to share some thoughts that aren't just provoked by what I'm experiencing, but my full acceptance of living as a divine mirror.

I usually try to refrain from oversharing because people like to lurk my pages and either mock me or use things against me in shady ways lmaooo buuuttt It's really baffling how we can all get lost in someone else's light-- being seen the same way as someone else sees/projects themselves to be. To the point where we can definitely lose a sense of self through too much mirroring (consciously or not). It's nice to see yourself reflected in others at times (even when they could be unaware or resistant to their influence by you). It's also nice to be the mirror that others need too (when it's positive), but it's also nice to just know yourself internally without HAVING to see it mirrored back. I find it so nice when people can just be themselves without having to see it reflected in you. I've always appreciated that, but even more now.

It's exhausting when someone is constantly mimicking or mirroring your every move due to codependency, self doubts & insecurities. I've met so many people as a young adult that are easily influenced, programmed & insecure that they will abandon their best parts to be like someone else. I want to scream this to people :

I don't need to engage with 10 versions of me, I need to engage with YOU!!!! JUST YOU!!! Not an alternative me...

So many people get LOST in being interpretations and improvisations of someone else. I know this is a way to find your true self, but damn.

I've always had intentions, even if it seemed I was borrowing/copying mimicking or mirroring someone, to do things my way... cuz like I'm way too creative to just not be myself! It's just so weird when I see other people being their interpretation of me instead of them! And I think maybe it's because, at times, people forget what makes them unique in the presence of another's light. It's like that little flash thing they put in people's face on Men in Black. Someone's else light should not make you forget/abandon who you are. Of course we can learn and be inspired, but don't forget yourself. I have to also acknowledge that some people never really knew they had a "self" to begin with because they've spent years doubting their truth and taking on things that they're not. I am glad that I never forgot what makes me so unique. I'm glad I've managed to keep those things alive in me my entire life and no one else's opinions, projections or influence could completely bring me away from me. One day I wanna go in depth, talk about Rabbit Holes... but like.. that's what can happen when you spend too much time reflecting other people's light. You can actually lose sight of yourself & get caught in their rabbit hole. before you know it, you're not even yourself anymore. The trick of being a divine mirror is that I know my own influence, my own reflection like the back of my hand. No one has to point out my reflection and my influence to me. I am almost always aware of it. Although reflectiveness is a blessing the hardest part about being a living & divine mirror is those who chose to engage with me will either never/hardly see the true me until they are able to more fully see themselves. Which makes me invisible. Self Awareness starts by getting acquainted with your own reflection. You have to know who/how you are and how you look from as many angles as possible. Then you can show up in fullness, not fragments.

Then you are not seeking out a mirror in everyone you meet.

And then.... you can actually see people for THEMSELVES and not a way to search for more of YOU.

You then can also become a true mirror to others because you have a stronger sense of self.

People in my life have often times functioned as road openers for me, creating new ideas & pathways I didn't fully consider prior, but I never gave anyone that much credit & authority over me. I never completely lost myself in anyone/anything because I always knew the difference. Between (me) , what was God-given and a birthright if you will versus a result of communal & relational influences.

This is one of the works I'd love to dive deeper into with the Magik Mirror. I want to help people with the process of remembering & seeing themselves (more) fully. In turn, maybe I too can be seen and appreciated for who I actually am and not the reflections that are bounced off of me 🪞💖✨

🪞Deep dive into your reflection, your memory, your self by watching my 2024 content on Facebook & booking a Full Moon Reading there as well!

[cats-and-confusion]

"Daniel, you absolute fucking idiot." I stare at him in what I hope comes across as monumental disappointment rather than fury. I'm not the one who's meant to be angry, after all.

I spin around in my office chair in an attempt to quell my rage. "Firstly, disregarding the revelation that gods exist and assuming I believe you, why would you do that? What could possibly have possessed you to cheat on anyone you're meant to love, let alone a Deity?"

"Well I-"

I cease my spinning and look him dead in the eye. "No. I don't want to hear it. You're going to go back outside, and you're going to confess to her what you did. Go apologize. Right now." I swing my arm forcefully to point at the door, trying to emphasize how serious I am about this. His face scrunches up and his eyebrows draw together in distress.

He attemps to reason with me, the fool. "I can't! She'll kill me, she'll actually kill me! You're just going to rat me out?!" Daniel's grip on the edge of the desk tightens as he leans in, a subconscious attempt to make me indulge him that he probably doesn't even realize he's doing.

I flick his forehead, causing him to reel back. "Oh no, the consequences of your own actions! Whatever shall you do?" I taunt sarcastically, doing what my roommate would call the 'gay hand thing'. "You cheated on someone and came to me for help? As if I had the same shitty morals as you?! Women aren't things to play with for your own pleasure, much less one you're in a relationship with. I thought you were better than this. Get out of my sight." I gesture towards the door again, sick of this conversation.

Daniel's face goes red with what I assume is embarrassment or rage, or both. He bares his teeth like a dog when he talks. "You bitch," he snarls, as though any of this was my fault. "We're supposed to be friends, and you pull this shit with me? Are you serious? I can't believe you're taking her side." He slams his hand on the table, making me flinch. I straighten in my chair as my anxiety spikes. "It's not my faul-"

"Shut up. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. There is no part of this that isn't your fault, and frankly, we're not friends anymore. Please leave." I can't bring myself to look at his eyes anymore. He shouts loudly in anger and slams his hands on the table, making me flinch violently and have to resist the urge to cower.

He looks baffled by my reaction and pauses momentarily. "Ellie-"

"Please take your problems elsewhere," I interrupt immediately, my voice strained. He huffs and stomps out of the room, throwing a degrading term over his shoulder to me as he leaves. I put my head in my hands and try not to burst into tears.

I thought Daniel was okay to be around. I thought he knew better than to be loud and physical and scary. He seemed fine remembering my boundaries before. I don't understand why that had to change as soon as I upset him, as though my safety was a privilege.

I take a few deep breaths to try and calm down. I'm opening Spotify to play my calm-time music when a thought occurs to me.

If he treated his friends like that, how did he treat his girlfriend?

I feel as though ice has been poured down my back. I scramble to find my phone, looking through my contacts. About...three of these people know Daniel? I don't want to talk to him directly so I text his guy friend, Jon, to ask how to contact Daniel's girlfriend.

.

Ellie> Hey do you know daniel's girlfriend?

Jon> yeah why

oooo is there tea☕

Ellie> That's the coffee emoji.

Jon> bro stfu and tell me what went down

Ellie> I need to talk to Daniel's girlfriend. Daniel cheated on her and I wanna be her murder buddy.

Also she might be a literal god. Forgot about that part

Jon> oh shit, aight her number is xxx-xxx-xxx-xxxx

this isn't another cult thing is it

Ellie> Whaaaat nooooo, I would never start a cult around sticky notes ;) thanks

Jon> and stop texting like my damn gramma

Ellie> Perish, wench.

.

I type the number into my phone and debate on whether I should call or text. I take a moment to also consider that contacting her about this might be unnecessary or even dangerous, but I want to reach out anyway in case I can help, if not for my own peace of mind.

I decide to call her. The phone rings exactly once before she picks up and, okay, who does that. I figure that's probably not meant to be my priority and instead start with a tentative, "Hello?"

Immediately I hear sniffles on the other side. "Hello. Who is this?" Her voice is gentler than I thought it would be - quiet, grief-stricken and almost reverent in a way.

I take a minute before responding. "My name is Ellie. I-"

Before I can so much as reach out, she bursts into little giggles. It sounds like wind chimes, like the picture of domesticity, like a family that knows joy and strife and everything in between yet always chooses to hope, to cherish everything they have and even what they don't. It sounds like impurity in the most beautiful way, and I ask myself how anyone could ever choose anything over her. "Ellie," she repeats. "I don't mean to laugh, it's just we have nearly the same name."

I bask in her joy for a moment before I discover words again. "Nearly the same? What's your name?" I ask, and when she answers I feel as though I could dedicate myself to her, give myself to her, and she would offer all of herself in return.

"Eileithyia."

let me know if you want a part two. Thanks for reading!

You stood there, looking at your friend, faceplaming “Let me get this straight, you’re dating a Goddess, an actual ‘divine powers, older than civilization’ Goddess and you ….CHEATED ON HER!?!??” Your friend has a desperate look in their eyes “Can you help me or not?”

[curdled-creamer]

i'm in charge

Recently got prescribed a generic version of vyvand? something? too lazy to look up real name. Effect of drug is it is a stimulant that helps ADHD people AND ALSO helps people binge eat less. lil two4one special. I've always had a long history of undiagnosed ADHD and it's nice to finally get it addressed. Ya'll understand, basically you start to notice you have an issue, and then put up obstacles in your mind and delegitimize your own experience so you don't have to confront it. Sometimes that's because confronting the constant, similar issues that the illness creates is somehow better than confronting the unknown problems/solutions that occur from facing it. But here we are. And I'm zooming. If I can better describe what it's been like for me, having ADHD, being neurotic as fuck, basically it's like your body operating like a loud democracy. Don't get me wrong, great for nations. Great for people on a large scale. Everyone should get a say in what happens to them. Not great for a single individual trying to live a competent normal life. Each decision is deliberated manically by a group of different people. (No I do not intend on equating ADHD to multiple personality disorder, it's just a visualization of how I feel) They are all me, but with different interests and wants. Some wants louder than others. I COULD play a game I want to play, but: -What's the point, what does this prove? -Does it have achievements? We can 100% it so it matters. -Do you already know kinda what's gonna happen? Waste of time. -Can you play it with friends? Video Games should be a vehicle in which you socialize -Is it fun? Last one seems easy, right? Yeah it's fun, or no it's not. But for me, it feels like 1 amount of Fun is unattainable by any singular activity/action. The way I visualize my "Fun Meter" is a bar that's segmented. Each segment of the bar is a different activity/action/event that gives me stimulation. I find that I'm at my full "I'm having fun" only when the bar is FULL. Not partial full. Not run by ONE task/activity. For example: "I want to play a computer game!" Okay so to actually feel fulfilled I need at least 3 things going on. 1. The Game being played 2. A video or podcast in the background/on the other monitor 3. A yummy delicious treat or something to work my mouth fixation on I feel strongly within myself, that I need all of these things to experience a worthwhile time. It's funny, because a symptom of this desperate stimulate-maxxing behavior is that I regularly play games on SILENT. Simply because I want to hear the video I'm also listening to. Which has baffled my friends. Imagine playing Fallout and skipping all the dialogue and never listening to the radio stations? Red Dead 2 but not knowing whats going on, just going from A to B and shooting until credits roll. That's how I experience games. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE a good story. But my ADHD prohibits me from actually taking the time to focus and consume it as a singular activity. No singular action is engaging enough for me to not get that gnawing feeling of "this isn't enough, I hate this, it's too low input" It's very annoying to constantly need all cylinders firing at all times to feel sated. But what I'm here to say is, at least for me, the pill solved that. And I am at peace. I quieted all my annoying mental advisors, worriers. I've hushed my neurotic obstacle creating self and allowed me to just exist in a space. I am in the captain's seat of my body again, for the first time in years. Many years. I am in charge. I can't wait to see what I do with this power.

[slowlyshytheorist]

Rant time, babes

Once upon a time there were two international umbrella organisations working side by side. Both organisations have similar aims and purposes and they even share some member organisations. Sometimes the two organisations would come together and do a course in unison. This story is about one such course. 

A little background info. In both of these organisations there is a person we would call activity coordinator. This is the person in charge of all the activities happening within the organisation. They are not necessarily at all the activities, they just make sure everything works out (funding, planning, execution, followup, etc) and they are the primary contact person to each of the organisation when relating to events. For this event they were both present. There was a course director from the host organisation and the activity coordinator from both umbrellas. That would mean the two would have an equal level of responsibility right? Right?! WRONG!!! 

Now it’s important to note that I am super biased because I am one of the two activity coordinators, but if you are reading all of this, I’ll let you judge for yourself if I am right to be pissed. 

Second thing that is important to note is that my role in this was sorta double because I am not just representing the umbrella, but also the host organisation. I want it noted that I don’t expect the other activity coordinator to be able to do all of the things I could, BUT... well you’ll see

Also something that might be relevant to interject. One of the reasons the other organisations wanted to join forces with my organisations this year (we’ve done it a few times before with some success but not every year) is that the past three years, the three years that they have had this activity coordinator, it has gone really bad for them. So bad that they have had to pay back funding to European Youth Foundation (which provides funding for organisations like ours), and so bad that they will no longer work with them. 

Now onto the story. We really should have known already in the planning but we ignored the signs. All of the planning team members from the other umbrella organisation... left something to be desired. Their contributions to the planning were either lacking or deeply flawed, but we ignored it, giving them every chance to fix it. Skip to the actual course, they spent most of their time sitting in couches on their phones. They did not participate, they did not engage with participants (except for the ones from their own member organisation (not even the umbrella organisation)), they did not help the rest of the planning team, not even when emergencies occurred. 

Already on day 2 we ran into an emergency. A participant got hurt. Now the entire planning team went into solution mode. Two of us were the decision makers, looking after the participant and telling the others what to do, the rest did what they were told. With a few exceptions.  The participant that got hurt was not from my umbrella organisation. Obviously that didn’t matter to me, someone was hurt and I took action. He got picked up by an ambulance and a couple of us went with (to look after him and to bring him back if needed afterwards.). Where was his activity coordinator? She’d gone to bed. AFTER the emergency had occurred. Idk what went through her head, maybe she simply didn’t care, but I was baffled when I heard this. 

As the week went on, it did not get better. The participant went back and forth to the hospital a few times and to my knowledge, she never spoke a word to him. I was the one in contact with his parents and his organisation. Which is fair in my role as host and as one of the people in charge of making sure he’s okay. But I’m pretty sure I would have cared if it had been one of my participants. Even if I wasn’t host. 

Still, this issue aside, they did not participate. I pulled a couple of them aside at one point and addressed it, and tbf they did better after that. Not the activity coordinator though. On the last day at our primary venue we suddenly had to be out of the building rather quickly, for reasons that are not important. And every planning team member were working hard to get everyone out and the place cleaned. Except 2. One of them walked around seeming to help, but when I gave him something to do and later saw someone else do it... well it became clear that he was just pretending. The other was the activity coordinator.... not only did she get up late, she just went and had breakfast instead of helping (something the rest of us had not had a chance to do yet). At some point the course facilitator just started giving her tasks to do because clearly she wasn’t gonna volunteer to help. He gave her the simplest of tasks and she still managed to mess it up. And then refused to acknowledge that she had done it wrong. It blew up and we started fighting in the group chat because frankly I was done. It was the last day and she already hates me so fuck it.  Finally, the course facilitator just went something along the lines of “I don’t care what happened, just fix your mess”. And she stopped responding. One of her minions started defending her, and in the end the mess was fixed (no thanks to her). 

For this entire course there were about 4 or 5 of us that ran as fast as we could because we had to pick up the slack from everyone else and we were wiped out. I had several anxiety attacks the last few days and we were all running on far too little sleep. And meanwhile this bitch just chilled out, having a vacation basically. Next year when they have this course again it will not be in cooperation with my umbrella organisation which means she will be the one in charge of the course. All of it. I feel so bad for everyone involved in this. It’s gonna crash and burn so hard. 

[detectivesus]

Also this is not meant to be belittling but it seems like a lot of people don’t understand how codeine can be taken in drugs. Yes of course it can’t be highly addictive but it’s highly unlikely that it was the pure substance- codeine used to be found in a lot of pain medication in the US over the counter (so no prescription required) until 2018. I have been prescribed pain medication for minor ailments that include low doses of codeine but it’s a minor amount so it’s not like you develop a habit after one pill. There’s also a chance that it was a medication combination that activates the opioids. I’m not saying that’s what happened but there’s also nuance behind it that no one is bothering to even consider. It’s still not good- nothing should ever be given without patient knowledge and informed consent. But there’s always nuance and it feels like nwsl fans never use it bc we’re just used to the onslaught of terrible news and terrible people being involved.

You also asked about what the repercussions could be. I am pretty confident that the results of the federal and state investigation into what occurred will impact his ability to be in the league ever again. He could very easily lose his license or be required to take a significant amount of training to regain it. It’s really hard to talk about immigration status without really knowing details of how he gave the drugs. As much as we think we know what happened we really don’t especially with the nuance involved.

no matter how strong / whatever details about the controlled substance, it’s just baffling that someone in his position was stupid enough to administer it without proper paperwork ? it’s negligence, whether the drugs were in high doses or not. i know when nwsl fans hear of a scandal we always assume the worst, but actual drugs aside, it just shows how plainly stupid Pierre was in this situation, and it really baffles me 1. why he would think it’s smart and 2. why he thought it wouldn’t come back to bite him in the ass ? you’d just think someone in his role would be smarter. genuinely thanks for this though, interesting way to see it for sure and i see where you’re coming from!!!! guess we’ll have to wait and see what happens to Mr Pierre

[ashintheairlikesnow]

Could I request... a drabble of Nancy's children cutting her off and not letting her meet her grandchildren? Or even just a summary of events? 👀

Dear Ask Amandla:

I have a problem with my two grown children that has been ongoing for a while, and I am at my wits' end. Years ago, I made some less-than-perfect decisions, supporting someone who was manipulative and overbearing towards a teenager in his care. I knew that some of what I witnessed was illegal, but allowed it to happen and said nothing.

The person in question was the same age as my younger daughter. I NEVER considered him in any way like her. There were extenuating circumstances! I followed my loyalty to someone who turned out not to deserve it. But when my children found out, years later, they were furious. Not just that I had allowed the mistreatment of someone to happen in my employer's household, but that I had never told them about it. Frankly, my work and home life have always been kept separate. I was an assistant to a powerful man and had little recourse myself.

I have never been charged with a crime, and provided the authorities with anything they asked for when the investigation was underway. But when my children told me I should apologize to the now-grown young man my employer mistreated, I will admit I balked. I certainly never hurt him myself, after all, and don't feel an apology would help either him or me.

He was never significantly harmed during my employment with the powerful man, and it's not like I could pay medical bills or do anything else.

My children were upset with me for refusing to apologize for my part in all this, but I don't think that, eight years after the events occurred, my apology is asked for or even wanted.

My son answers my calls only sporadically, and my daughter - the one who is the same age as the young man who was mistreated - has stopped talking to me entirely. She was six months pregnant when I last heard her voice. It's been so long she must have had the baby by now, but my calls go unanswered and she doesn't respond to letters, emails, or anything else I've tried.

I made a mistake, but it was years ago and I was working hard to provide for my children. After the hard work and love I've shown them, I am absolutely floored that they would cut me off over someone they don't know and who they've never even met. What can I do to have my children in my lives again?

Yours,

BAFFLED IN BERRAS

-

Dear Baffled in Berras,

Baffled, I would love to answer you, but I can sense that there is a LOT you aren't telling me between the lines of what you are. In fact, you probably tried to hide more than you revealed.

It sounds like your children drew a firm line in the sand about what they need to feel comfortable with you. You can choose not to respect that, but if you do, they also are free to choose distance or even total disconnection from you.

If you ask me, the root of their unhappiness is probably your way of remembering things perhaps a bit rosier than they truly were. For instance, you continually call an adult individual's abuse of a teenage boy 'mistreatment'.

It was more than mistreatment, Baffled, wasn't it? And despite your phrasing, you were not helpless to report it. You had plenty of recourse. You chose not to help.

Your children are asking you to take full responsibility for your actions and what those actions enabled, and even just by your letter I think it's clear that you never have.

You can take responsibility and seek reconciliation, or you can choose not to. But your children are adults, and they can and will make their own choices, too.

Right now, it seems like they have chosen to step away. You need to respect that, too.

You can start by cutting out all the euphemisms and metaphors and by calling every single part of it what it is and not what you want it to have been.

You aided and abetted abuse of a minor. That's a crime. It's understandable that your daughter would be horrified to learn that you accepted and enabled that abuse while parenting she and her brother.

Good luck.

Ask Amandla

[percabeth4life]

Nico and Percy

Okay so I’ve received a lot of asks about Nico and Percy and how Percy treated Nico and someone else sent me a link to a post that had more stuff.

90% of the stuff I’ve seen is either inaccurate or taken out of context.

Lets start with the choking scene.

This scene happened right after Nico lied to Percy to trick him into coming to see Hades so that Nico could learn more about his mom. They were meant to go to the Styx in order to give Percy the Achilles Curse so they had a chance at winning the war. This resulted in Percy being locked up by Hades.

Nico did not intend for this to happen, but he did knowingly lie to Percy. Percy understandably did not trust Nico after that.

The mountain of darkness loomed above me. A foot the size of Yankee Stadium was about to smash me when a voice hissed: ‘Percy!’

I lunged out blindly. Before I was fully awake, I had Nico pinned to the floor of the cell with the edge of my sword at his throat.

‘Want – to – rescue,’ he choked.

Anger woke me up fast. ‘Oh, yeah? And why should I trust you?’

‘No – choice?’ he gagged.

I wished he hadn’t said something logical like that. I let him go. (The Last Olympian page 60).

As you can see, the initial action was taken before Percy was even awake. After he was awake, and got through his initial anger at the betrayal with Nico’s comment, he released Nico and they escaped.

He acknowledged silently later that he didn’t trust Nico anymore and Nico was aware that his actions meant he wasn’t trusted.

So the choking scene: not Percy being unreasonably cruel to Nico.

Threats is another common thing I see people bring up and... I’m genuinely baffled by that one. The closest I can think of is the scene I quoted above? But that doesn’t seem to fit? Anyone want to quote some threats Percy made to Nico? Because I don’t know any.

Next up! The claims that Percy said they should leave Nico to suffocate. Funnily enough he actually says the opposite, multiple times.

Percy stared at his jelly donut. He had a rocky history with Nico di Angelo. The guy had once tricked him into visiting Hades’s palace, and Percy had ended up in a cell. But most of the time, Nico sided with the good guys. He certainly didn’t deserve slow suffocation in a bronze jar, and Percy couldn’t stand seeing Hazel in pain.

“We’ll rescue him,” he promised her. “We have to. The prophecy says he holds the key to endless death.”

Is this first time kind? Not necessarily. But it’s certainly not saying to leave Nico. For multiple reasons, he didn’t deserve, Percy didn’t want Hazel to hurt, and (what he says outloud) Nico is an important figure in the war.

Percy also makes a comment later when they feared they’d be too late

The vision zoomed in again. Inside the jar, Nico di Angelo was curled in a ball, no longer moving, all the pomegranate seeds eaten.

“We’re too late,” Jason said.

“No,” Percy said. “No, I can’t believe that. Maybe he’s gone into a deeper trance to buy time. We have to hurry.”

Funny, this doesn’t sound like someone advocating to leave Nico to die. In fact it sounds like someone almost desperate to save him, or at least hoping strongly that they’ll succeed.

Interestingly there were comments about leaving Nico, but not from Percy. They came from Jason and Leo.

“Uh…” Leo shifted in his chair. “One thing. The giants are expecting us to do this, right? So we’re walking into a trap?”

Hazel looked at Leo like he’d made a rude gesture. “We have no choice!”

“Don’t get me wrong, Hazel. It’s just that your brother, Nico… he knew about bothcamps, right?”

“Well, yes,” Hazel said.

“He’s been going back and forth,” Leo said, “and he didn’t tell either side.” Jason sat forward, his expression grim. “You’re wondering if we can trust the guy. So am I.”

Hazel shot to her feet. “I don’t believe this. He’s my brother. He brought me back from the Underworld, and you don’t want to help him?”

Frank put his hand on her shoulder. “Nobody’s saying that.” He glared at Leo. “Nobody had better be saying that.”

Leo blinked. “Look, guys. All I mean is—”

“Hazel,” Jason said. “Leo is raising a fair point. I remember Nico from Camp Jupiter. Now I find out he also visited Camp Half-Blood. That does strike me as… well, a little shady. Do we really know where his loyalties lie? We just have to be careful.” (Mark of Athena page 125)

How interesting that they’re the ones making comments about leaving Nico...

Next of course I’ve heard the wonder bread brought up? And I had to key word search wonder bread in the books to figure out what that was about and it appears to be a single thought Percy had while they were trying to rescue Nico.

Nico started to crawl away, groaning. Percy wanted him to move faster and to groan less. He considered throwing his Wonder bread at him. (Mark of Athena page 357)

Percy did not actually throw the bread for anyone wondering, and I hardly see how the panicking thought of trying to get them all out of there and keep Nico from being noticed by the people he was escaping from is even something for you to hold against him.

Finally the thing I hear the most, Percy calling Nico creepy and spreading rumors.

Creepy is used in MoA 5 times, in HoH 2 times, and BoO 8 times.

In MoA it’s used by Percy once, and that time is describing Persephone’s garden, not Nico. This comment is also only made in his thoughts, not outloud.

Funnily enough Leo does mentally refer to Nico as creepy in MoA

Nico and Hazel shared a look, maybe comparing notes on their Hades/Pluto death radar. Leo shivered. Hazel had never seemed like a child of the Underworld to him, but Nico di Angelo—that guy was creepy. (Mark of Athena page 396)

In HoH it is used once by Jason in regards to Nico, not at all by Percy.

Nico gave him a thin, creepy smile. ‘Ah … that legend.’ (House of Hades page 164)

In BoO it’s actually used by Nico about himself.

By now, Will Solace realized just how creepy and revolting Nico di Angelo was. Of course, Nico didn’t care what he thought. But still …  (Blood of Olympus page 317)

And once by Reyna about Nico

Reyna had stitched up the gashes on his biceps, which gave Nico a slightly creepy Frankenstein look, but the cuts were still swollen and red. (Blood of Olympus page 140)

So uh, no Percy did not call Nico creepy. And I have found no evidence of Percy spreading rumors so like with the threats, feel free to find me quotes proving that claim.

Concluding all of this I will point out that prior to book 5 (TLO) Percy was doing everything in his power to find Nico and protect him. After book 5 Percy only had one physical altercation with him (when he was half asleep and right after the betrayal occurred) and otherwise did not hold it against him beyond having his trust broken. As time went on we know from Percy’s thoughts that he doesn’t trust Nico, but he makes no comments saying such and agrees to help rescue him and does everything he can to do so.

Their conflicts are understandable due to their history. Percy’s feelings on Nico are complicated but understandable and he has not let it interfere with their jobs, if anything it interfered in a negative way making them risk the quest to save Nico (though Nico was a key figure needed to succeed in the end).

Overall I don’t know where these claims come from beyond people wanting to find issues with Percy (to the point they make stuff up).

[shycoconutt]

I Found My Light (Kakashi x Reader)

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2

A/n: Sound the alarms! It’s my first ever writing post! I’ve had this written for a while tbh, and I feel like I’m ready to start getting into this.

Summary: A late-night walk turns into a rekindled friendship.

Word Count: 2300

Warnings: fem!reader, SFW (but might not be later lol)

You opened your eyes for what seemed like the thousandth time tonight. Staring at the white ceiling, you sighed. Sleep seemed to evade you recently, a side effect of the recent dreariness of your life. You found yourself living the same days over and over again. Because of this, the line between day and night started to fade.

The moon was full tonight, you noticed as it shined brightly through your open window. It was the perfect temperature out, warm but chilly enough to feel comfortable wrapped in your blankets. You love listening to the occasional sounds that occurred outside, the noise of leaves rustling in the wind being your favorite.

Your gaze left the moon and landed back on your ceiling. Why is something as simple as sleeping so hard? Gods, all you wanted was an escape. With a huff, you pushed the covers off of you and sat up from your lying position. Trying to force yourself to sleep would do more harm than good right now.

You make your way to your dresser and pull out your favorite pair of black joggers. You love them because they are tight on your ankles, loose on your legs, and have a cinched band at the waist. They are perfect for any lazy day. You slip them on over your underwear, you never go to bed with pants on, and exchange your sleep shirt for a cropped black hoodie made from the same soft, elastic material as your pants.

You turn to face your large standing mirror in the corner of the room to assess your appearance. The all-black look was your favorite, especially since it will help you blend into the night. Your hair was a mess, so you decided to put it up in a loose bun on the top of your head and pull out some strands to frame your face. It felt good to not look so polished and put together. Your jonin uniform was not the most comfortable piece of clothing, especially with the way it hit your figure.

You walked out of your bedroom and across the kitchen to the front door of your apartment. One foot after the other, you slide into your sandals and grab the key to your apartment hanging on the hook next to you. With that, you leave your apartment and head out into the night.

You walked the streets of Konoha at a gingerly pace. It was probably around 3 a.m. at this point, and there wasn’t a single soul on the street with you. You make your way past the line of shops on the main street, including your favorite bakery where you'd treat yourself to a lemon square after coming back from a long mission. You thought about that lemon square a lot when you were out risking your life, embarrassingly enough.

A couple of turns later and you found yourself heading towards your favorite place in all of Konoha, a little area of woods towards the perimeter that contained this amazing koi pond. Although it was nighttime and the fish wouldn’t be as active, you still want to check to see if you can watch any. To your surprise, your favorite koi, who you nicknamed “Nishi'', was out and swimming around by himself. You sit criss-cross in the grass and watch as he glides through the calm water, almost putting you in trance. Nishi didn’t look or act like the others; He was black with white, almost silver-looking spots and he was less frantic in nature. You sway from side to side as you watch him, thinking to yourself about how you would like to be more like Nishi.

“You look cute watching the koi.” You heard a soft, yet unwavering voice declare behind you.

“Holy sh-” You almost jump out of your pants at the unexpected presence. Surprised, you quickly turn your head around to see who’s voice that could possibly be. To your disbelief, there lies a figure perched up by a tree a couple yards away from you. Their feet were crossed, legs extended, one hand in the pocket of their pants, the other holding up what looks like a copy of Icha-Icha, head turned towards you, and wild hair moving with each passing breeze. How did I not notice him?

“Oh I’m sorry (y/n), I didn’t mean to startle you. I figured you knew I was here because you walked right past me.” He brought his hand up to scratch the back of his head and let out a small chuckle. “Guess I should have made my presence known right away.”

Still in disbelief, you get up and slowly make your way towards the figure, stepping into the shadow of the tree to see him more clearly. As you approached you immediately recognized the silver-haired jonin.

“Kakashi?” You say confused. “What are you doing out here? It’s late.”

“I could ask you the same thing.” He states, closing his book and setting it down next to him on the grass. He looked different. He looked… quite hot actually. The jonin uniform you usually saw him in was traded for a pair of comfortable-looking grey sweatpants and a tight, black tank top that connected to his mask. He wasn’t wearing his headband either, just keeping his left sharingan eye shut in a permanent wink. As you observed him, you couldn’t help but notice that he was doing the same to you.

“I suppose you're right.” You smirk and let out a small chuckle. “I couldn’t sleep so I figured that if I was up I should take a walk around the village to clear my head. This is my favorite spot, so I guess I just naturally ended up here.” You exclaimed, still standing in front of him.

“It looks like you and I are having the same issue,” he states plainly, “I came out here a little while ago after tossing in my bed for an hour. I hate trying to force myself to sleep; It’s a battle I never seem to win.” His eyes averted your gaze and moved to his now empty hands in his lap. You couldn’t help but notice a hint of pain in his voice and it tugged at your heartstrings.

You know about the things Kakashi has been through, as it was pretty common knowledge to all jonin in your mutual age group. You were pretty close with his friends, Gai, Kurenai, and Asuma, but Kakashi always seemed to keep everyone at an arm’s length. He also was an Anbu for ten years, which didn’t help the disconnect either. Fortunately, he was relieved from his Anbu position a couple weeks ago, and gradually you have been seeing him a bit more here and there. Though, this is the first time you are able to have a conversation with him in what seems like forever.

“Well,” you sighed, “I guess we have lost the battle together. We must be pretty shitty jonin.” You stated flatly.

Kakashi squinted his eyes and you both laughed. You couldn’t help but take a mental picture of his face at this moment. You really enjoy seeing him happy, as it makes you happy too.

You can’t kid yourself, having a chance to talk with Kakashi alone feels like such a treat. Little genin (y/n) would be ecstatic right now. Of course you had a crush on him back then, who didn’t?

“You’ve always had a natural talent for connecting with people,” Kakashi mused, “I haven’t talked to you since we were teenagers, and here I am laughing with you like we’re long-time friends.”

You could feel your eyebrows furrow at that statement. Yeah sure, you weren’t at his apartment every week for Sunday brunch, but you did have a history.

“Kakashi,” you started, “You are my long-time friend. Just because we drifted apart doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. To be honest, I was relieved when I found out you were no longer going to be a member of the Anbu. It wasn’t good for you.” You stepped closer and sat down next to him, leaning back on the tree stump. The grass felt cool under you, sending a small shiver up your body.

“I suppose you’re right,” Kakashi stated, quoting your words from earlier. “It amazes me that none of you gave up on me. I feel like I am undeserving of everyone’s effort.” You were baffled by his honesty; Kakashi wasn’t known to be much of an open book. It upsets you so much that he feels this way as you couldn’t imagine not caring about him or any of your other comrades in the village. The faces of your closest friends flashed through your mind and you grimaced at the thought of losing them.

Not knowing if you should, you felt compelled to reach over and hold Kakashi’s hand in yours. It's cold compared to the warmth spreading from your fingertips. Hmm, I wonder how long he has been out here. Giving his hand a small squeeze, you look at him in his onyx eye. “Trust me, Kakashi. You are deserving. You are deserving of a great life and people who care about you. I know the world may seem dark, but I promise that a light is always glowing. No matter how small or dim, it’s there.”

You stare at each other in silence for a moment before he changes the position of his hand and intertwines his fingers in yours. The change was small, but it ignites a feeling in your stomach you couldn’t describe. Slowly, you felt your cheeks flush and you turned your face to look towards the sky in hopes he wouldn’t notice. You knew this action was him telling you that he accepts your words, and thanks you for them.

You spent the next hour sitting under the tree together, you looking up at the stars and him looking at you. Your intertwined hands fell between your bodies, resting on the cool grass. You felt him start to graze the back of your hand with his thumb, sending a tingling sensation up your arm. It felt so good to be touched by him, even in such an innocent manner.

A strong breeze ran through the air and hit you suddenly. You began to shiver at the quick change in temperature, realizing that you should have dressed warmer if you were going to be out this long. Yet, you couldn’t have anticipated the situation you are currently in.

“Are you cold?” Kakashi questioned with a hint of concern.

“Yeah a little bit,” you answered honestly, “but I don’t want to go back home. I’m not really tired yet.” Truthfully, you didn’t want this little moment of shared bliss to end. You started to feel like you found your escape, and you refused to be torn away from it so soon.

“Neither do I,” he confessed, “Come here.” He released his hand from yours and slid his position higher up on the side of the tree. He then spread his legs and patted the ground in between, inviting you to sit.

You felt your face get hot again, as the position he was offering you was a very intimate gesture. There was absolutely no way you could refuse his offer. One, because you were freezing and, two, young (y/n) would never forgive you.

You got up and sat down carefully between his thighs, leaning until your back met his chest. He then wrapped both of his arms around you, one around your shoulders and the other around your waist with his hand resting on your stomach. The outsides of your legs met the insides of his and you felt an immediate warmth there. Lastly, your head tilted back and rested upon his left shoulder, with his face nuzzled against your temple. You both fit together like two pieces of a puzzle, no part of you feeling any discomfort against his strong body. Engulfed in his smell and warmth, for the first time in a while you felt completely relaxed.

“Thank you, Kakashi.” You looked up at him with a warm smile.

“Anytime.” He breathed, voice muffled by your hair. You wondered if he truly meant that. I mean, after all, this is the first time you have interacted in a while. Yet, the connection you felt towards him was unquestionable.

Does he feel the way I feel?

“Hey,” you began, “are you tired at all?”

He flexed his arms and held you closer to his chest. “Not really,” he answered, “I’m enjoying this moment too much to be tired.” You smiled, and there was a pause.

“Isn’t this odd?” you questioned again.

“What? You and I snuggled under a tree in a random corner of the village alone at 4 a.m. after we haven’t interacted with each other in years?” he questioned sarcastically, “Not at all.”

“Kakashi!,” you laughed, gently nudging your elbow into his ribs as he laughed along with you.

“Yeah it’s a little odd,” he answered honestly, “but I’m not going to question it. I found my light, and now I’m enjoying it.” He nuzzled his face into your hair and breathed deeply.

Completely and utterly relaxed, you let yourself succumb to the heaviness of your eyelids. Truthfully, this has felt like the longest day in the world and you are happy to end it this way. The sound of Kakashi’s breathing and the rise and fall of his chest acted as your personal sleep machine. It’s priceless.

Before you completely drift off, you swear you could feel the soft, pillowiness of Kakashi’s lips graze the skin of your temple, a soft hum escaping from them.

“Goodnight, (y/n)”

~~~

Queue Hilary Duff’s “What Dreams Are Made Of”. This kind of feels like the beginning of something. Should I continue? Idk if my writing is even good. If you read this, PLEASE let me know if you have any feedback. Again, this is my first story and I would greatly appreciate any feedback, advice, suggestions, etc.! I can’t believe I’m uploading, ah! - Klara

[donnerpartyofone]

I just passed this post about the Tumblr shoelaces that had 42k notes on it, which is how I finally found out that this was and has been a Thing. I did not expect there to be a narrative behind this piece of merch they've been relentlessly pimping, and I was surprised and delighted by the fact I had managed to remain ignorant of it for such a long time. I joined Tumblr in 2010, and I'm frequently baffled by how strangers talk about what it used to be like here. I practically never get anyone else's points of reference, there was absolutely no fandom garbage being reblogged onto my dash, and I didn't even hear about Dashcon until years after the fact. This just means that there was a certain point in time when you could actually curate your experience here, and you didn't have to see a ton of dumb little baby stuff that, as a friend of mine once said, made you want to scoop out your mind's eye with a melon baller.

I just had my circle of mutuals, none of whom existed anywhere on a venn diagram with the Superwholock people who were apparently all around us (I didn't even have to know what that was until recently), and everybody had their own identifiable personality; my dash was reliably just horror movie gifs, glitch art, our own actual drawings and paintings, porn, old and underground comics, cyberpunk schlock, sleazy magazine scans, and a smattering of freaky gore to remind you of the grimy mondo-style websites that were like an internet rite of passage in the 90s and early 00s. That might still sound generic on some level, but it had a very distinct flavor from anything going on today. You kind of knew who everybody was, we each had our own distinct personalities, and it was a lot of fun. I never, ever had to be even remotely aware of what was going on in fandom communities or see their needy homemade pornography for babies.

I'm sure there's a confluence of reasons why fandom crap is now like 30% of what I wind up seeing no matter how careful I am about who I follow, or how actively I block fandom accounts just to reduce the volume of what insinuates itself into my feed. The worst consequence of the fandom supremacy is actually not even the cutesy boring content, but it's this intense homogenizing effect it has on people. Everyone talks the same way and makes the same art about the same shit in the same style, and it's like there's just this overpowering urge to conform. I'm sure it's very comforting to be among people who are almost exactly the same as yourself, but I also think it's a bad dragon to chase. Besides which, what happened to the pleasure of having a special, personal thing that not everybody else "gets"? It's no wonder nothing resembling punk seems to exist here, except as just another cult to join.

Yesterday I was thinking about those old Apple Jacks commercials where the kids would conspiratorially sneer to each other that dorky adults "think Apple Jacks should taste like apples"; my friend and I really enjoyed accusing people of thinking Apple Jacks should taste like apples whenever we encountered an ignorant opinion on some obnoxiously niche thing we liked, but it occurred to me that that kind of snotty pleasure in one's own individuality is a rarer thing these days. Everyone insists on being understood and embraced and included, and you got hives of people complaining self-righteously about "antis" who look down on their dopey cartoon incest fantasies, like it's against the law to vocally dislike anything, even THAT. And like, a grown person should really be able to ignore the dissenting opinions of complete strangers, but also, it's GOOD to have some dissent in your life! It's IMPORTANT to feel the difference between yourself and others, to experience rejection, and have to stand on your own without an amorphous hive of internet strangers telling you "you are valid" for all kinds of inane reasons that really don't beg for anyone's seal of approval. Sometimes Apple Jacks taste better just because there's dorks out there mad that it doesn't taste like apples.

Anyway, I just saw that ancient post going around where everybody was warning each other that 4chan was planning a "raid" on tumblr where they were gonna like attack everybody with grody pictures, so "stay safe out there" and here's a bunch of tips on how to protect yourself from being fatally grossed out or something. I have no idea if such a thing actually happened in real life, but it sounded pretty funny to me, and like maybe we should have one of those "raids" intermittently just for social hygiene purposes. Maybe some people could use that extra push to reduce their screen time and read a fucking real book or something, and then those people can just get offa my lawn.

[mystery-star]

Actions speak louder than Words – Spock [SMUT]

Pairing: Spock x reader (female)

Warnings: Smut

Words: 3647

A/N: After talking to @elysiansith about Spock Smut, I just had to write this piece. Lol.

Please do not repost my work on other sites or platforms!

-

Although you knew Spock would find it illogical that you worried about what he’d think you still couldn’t help it. You just had to ponder if your betrothed would like it that you agreed to go to a dinner with Lucas, a friend of yours. In the end you really had to tell yourself that it was just a dinner among friends and that he would need to accept that since it was your life. And deep within you also knew that Spock truly wouldn’t mind who your dinner partner was, after all you were wearing his engagement ring around your neck and not someone else’s. Yet it surprised you that when you were eating and laughing with the other Ensign, Spock asked if he could sit at your table as well

“Uh” your friend answered and you could see his struggle. Of course he didn’t want to be mean and he probably also didn’t dare to say no to a superior officer, although you were all off work now. And of course he also didn’t know of your relationship to the half-Vulcan. “Actually uh… we’ve been planning this for a long time. We just want some time for ourselves. It’s a date actually… I don’t know if you’re quite aware what this is but…” he trailed off and you glanced at him in surprise, not sure what to say. You had asked him if it was a date, of course more jokingly, and he had answered in the negative. There was a lump in your throat and you didn’t know what to do or say. Luckily, Spock reacted and sat down on one of the free chairs at the table for four. (Technically, Lucas could blame himself for not choosing a table for two)

“I am quite well aware of the definition of a date” he replied calmly as he picked up his spoon. You had to bite back a grin because Lucas face was hilarious “Besides, I do not believe that Ensign (Y/L/N) seems to be aware that you have intended for your meal to be a date”

“Well uh… but… most people first go on a date as friends before it is a real one. It may sound illogical to you but that’s what humans do. And many other species too that don’t care about logic. No offence” you could hear the desperate undertone and knew that he wanted to get rid of your fiancé yet not say it out aloud. Much to his dismay and your amusement, Spock started a short lecture about how important consent was and that he did not think it was a good idea if he ‘secretly’ had planned for this to be a date when you weren’t aware of this. “Alright look, I wanted to see how it goes before I ask her out officially. I didn’t want to ruin my chances”

“You do not stand a chance anyway” Spock said and while you knew it was true you had to admit it sounded mean.

“And how do you want to know that? I bet you’ve never asked someone out on a date and even if you did the person would be abnormal to say no. Unless they’re Vulcan too but I doubt Vulcans even do dates” Spock only raised an eyebrow and did exactly what you had thought he would do.

“(Y/N)” he said after turning to you “Would you agree to accompany me to a date tomorrow?” you chuckled

“Yes, I’d like that”

“You what? That’s not how it works, you can’t just ask her out. She’s my date” he grabbed his plate and glanced at you “Come on, let’s go” you glanced at Spock

“I…” you started

“Oh you want to be his date now? Fine” he spat “have fun with the talking robot”

“Luke” you hissed, not wanting to fight with him, besides, some people were already glancing into your direction and discussing

“I’ve never even been interested in you, just look at you, you’re not even attractive” you let out a huff

“Luke” you tried again “Stop the bullshit”

“Says the one who just agreed to a date with him. I’ve liked you for a long time but now, as I finally brought up the courage to ask you out, you choose him” you sighed

“I didn’t choose him. Well at least not now” you looked at your friend “We’re getting married when the five-year-mission is over” now it was easy to tell how had been listening to your conversation because said people either gasped, almost choked on their food, dropped whatever they were holding, let out another surprised sound or just were too baffled to do anything. And Luke was one who did the last thing. He stared at you with his jaw wide open.

“You-you…” you sighed

“Yes Luke, we’re betrothed” you placed a hand on Spock’s arm, gently rubbing it with a smile

“How is that possible?”

“From what I know of human courtship a couple will become engaged after they have agreed to marry each other. Therefore, (Y/N) has become my betrothed after accepting my proposal” Luke looked like he was about to say something but then he gave a weak nod and then left the mess hall. You sighed and looked after him, torn between staying and going after him.

“I made him angry” you muttered

“No, (Y/N). It has been my doing that drove him away, for which I apologize, as well as having interrupted your meal” he squeezed the hand that still was on his arm “For this reason, I shall do anything necessary to preserve your friendship with the Ensign” you smiled

“Thanks” you looked around, then turned to him “Maybe we should leave too… everyone’s staring” you mumbled “By tomorrow, almost everyone will know”

“That sounds quite likely. However, it is favorable since it will detain others from attempting to court you” you grinned and let go of him, whereupon he picked up his meal and got up. You did the same and followed him to his quarters, trying to ignore the looks of everyone else.

“But why did you come and join us?” you asked him once you were eating in his quarters

“After I have heard that he intended for your dinner to be a date, I found it logical to ensure that he would not attempt something you were not comfortable with” you smiled

“Or maybe” you continued “You were jealous or worried that I could leave you for him. I know you’ve once asked me if I’m really sure if I want to marry you because you could not give me what a human could” he raised an eyebrow “I think that maybe you don’t enjoy the fact that other men could want me the way you do because they don’t know I’m in a relationship” while you had meant not much by the words, except for a bit of playful teasing, you were surprised by his action. Abandoning his meal, he got up and came over to you, extending his hand to you. “What are you doing?”

“From your statements I have concluded that it might be necessary to remind a few males that you are not available for a relationship” you too got up, still not sure if he was thinking what you thought he was. However, when he pulled you closer and kissed you, you knew that he actually had had that idea in mind. You found yourself smiling and ran your fingers through his hair while he was pulling up the skirt of your uniform. After a while, you pulled away, wanting to take it off but he obviously misunderstood “In case I did something you do not approve of, I would like to apologize” you shushed him with a finger to his lips

“You’ve done nothing wrong. In contrary, I broke away so that we can take this even further” you smiled and slipped out of your uniform and tried to relieve him of his own too but he took hold of your wrists. Now it was your time to apologize but he didn’t let you finish by kissing you again and leading you to his bed. He gently lowered you onto it but before you laid down, he opened and took off your bra, letting it fall to the floor. It almost made you giggle, because he never dropped or threw something. Okay, you saw him throw something once on a planet; you had been more or less ambushed by some weird alien animals and all of the landing party had thrown stones at them what luckily scared them away. But when your fiancé’s lips moved along your neck to your chest your thoughts were back in the here and now. Since you had no more strength to stay in a sitting position, you lay down and tried to pull him even closer. He reacted with a deep growl which made you smile and shiver at the same time. At times you were still surprised that he did not think it was better to wait with sex until you were married. But he had told you what it meant to his people and that he would not do it lightly. To your dismay, he took his time with trailing kisses all over your chest while he let his hands roam over your abdomen or your thighs. “Spock” you whimpered, hoping he’d also do something to alleviate the burning between your thighs. You felt a low rumble vibrate through his chest and the he lifted his head, much to your disappointment “No” you whined, trying to move his head back to your body. “Please” he raised an eyebrow but complied.

“I am certain you are aware of the chemical and biological processes that occur within your body during coition” you had to pull yourself together to not roll your eyes. Of course he had tried to bring said process closer to you on several occasions and you felt like he had listed up all hormones that were involved. While the explanation had not really interested you back then, you enjoyed it more this time. You even had to bite back a giggle at his words and you wondered if that was supposed to be a form of dirty talk. Not that you minded though, it was quite pleasant to hear his voice while he was pleasuring you. What you didn’t like however, was how he told you to be patient because if he did not give your body enough time to prepare he would only hurt you. Now you couldn’t help an eye roll.

“But it sure doesn’t hurt me if you just touch me?” at first it seemed like he hadn’t even heard you or chose to ignore you but then he trailed his right hand, that was currently on your stomach lower and pulled down your underwear a bit. He lifted his head again to look into your eyes while he moved his hand to where you wanted it most and you threw your head back, letting out a weird grunting sound as you dug your fingers into his wrist. “Oh hell yes” you breathed, what caused him to raise an eyebrow and mutter something that most likely was ‘fascinating’. You wondered what he could find so fascinating, seeing that by now, he should know how you can react to his touch. And you too found that maybe it was time to make sure he got a move on as well. For that, you pulled his head down to yours and kissed him. When his left hand came up to the side of your face, you didn’t hesitate to grab it and lightly traced the pad of his first two fingers with the tip of your own. A wicked smile crept on your face when you noticed how he stilled and closed his eyes for a moment, obviously trying his best to stay in control but you weren’t done yet. Slowly, you brought his hands to your lips and started trailing kisses along the inside of his forefinger. Once you had reached the bottom and were on your way up he let out a growling sound.

“(Y/N)” he started but his voice broke off, probably because you now had his two fingers in his mouth. Among humans that surely was something playful, maybe even a bit sexy. For a Vulcan, however, it meant much more. Which was why you soon heard him mutter words under his breath and was trying to shuffle out of his clothing with just one hand. His actions made you grin and you released his hand, pulling his lips down to yours again while you grabbed the hem of his shirt to lift it over his head, which you only could when he parted from your lips. He also used that chance to rid himself of the rest of his clothing and before you knew it, also your panties were gone.

“What about the ‘I’ll hurt you if your body can’t prepare properly’ sorrows?” you teased

“Your actions have proven that you do not seem to mind” you smiled

“Well okay, you’ve got me there” you jerked your hips up, a silent plea to continue and to your relief he positioned himself and moved his hands to yours, pinning them down onto the mattress above your head and intertwined his fingers with yours. He only looked down at your for a while, prompting you to wiggle your eyebrows “That is all?” he raised his eyebrow and then pushed into you, making you squeeze his hands and let out a long moan. After a few gentle thrusts, your fiancé buried his face in the crook of his neck, obviously trying to accomplish his initial goal, to make others aware of the fact that you were taken. You wanted to do something as well but with his own lips trailing all over your neck, you couldn’t (better said didn’t want to) move your head too much and your hands were still pinned down. So basically all you could do was to wrap your legs around his thighs, trying to pull him closer to you. Finally, he released your hands and let his own wander along your chest, respectively stroking the side of your face with the other. “Spock?” you breathed and took his hand in yours, intertwining your fingers.

“Yes?” he asked pausing with his movements to look at you

“Don’t stop” you muttered, jerking up your hips slightly “But-but I just wanted to say that I love you” he raised an eyebrow and you feared that you had something wrong. A part of you whished you had not said it because you had told him before that you loved him but he had never really answered. Also today he seemed like he would not answer but then gave a nod and leant down to kiss you.

“I too wish to inform you that I hold great affection for you” you smiled

“You do know that’s the first time you reply to my ‘I love you?’”

“When you have expressed your feelings for me for the first time after we started our relationship, I have needed time in order to contemplate how I could best formulate what you mean to me” you smiled

“You mostly do that through actions. That counts too. Somehow even more than words” you leaned up to peck his lips “But speaking of actions” you chuckled and wiggled your hip again “Because as you’ve once told me, a woman can suddenly ‘lose’ all the progress she’s gained towards an orgasm if you stop for too long. And that could cause a problem for you because you promised me that you’d always hold back your own orgasm until I came. Because men don’t really ‘lose’ their progress that much if they stop. At least humans” you also knew that this probably wouldn’t be a problem for him. As a Vulcan, he could hold back his own orgasm for as long as he wanted. At times you even needed to tell him to just let go because he had been determined to go on for two rounds, at least two for you but you had convinced him that you liked it better if you both found release. He too seemed like he wanted to remind you about this but you shook your head and pressed a finger to his lips “Actions. Not words” you reminded him

“As you wish” he gave a nod and resumed his earlier pace while his right hand wandered to the side of your face, his fingers getting into position for a meld “May I?”

“Sure” you breathed and only moments later you were flooded with all of his feelings and sensations. Sometimes you didn’t know if that was what you liked most about having sex with him, to know exactly what he was feeling and thinking. And he too was an expert at reading you and sometimes knew what you wanted even before you did. It was especially helpful in the beginning when he had just sensed when he needed to stop or noticed that you were actually fine with something not even you had been too sure about before trying it out. One thing that did bother you a little, however, was that he always ended the mind meld a little after your orgasm because he didn’t want you to be overwhelmed by his own sensations, which could be quite intense apparently. Yet somehow you knew that he probably was right because even his actions were getting rather emotional and much unlike his controlled and composed self when he too approached his release. Somehow you didn’t want to know what must be going on inside his mind at that time. You felt his amusement and he mentally reminded you that you’d better focus on what was and not what could be “Right, sorry” you replied out loud.

“If you are getting distracted so easily I suppose it is imperative that I ensure it does not happen again” you swallowed and before you could even really process what exactly he meant, he increased his pace again while he let go of your face and moved his hand down to your clit again instead. You bucked your hips and as if he was not yet doing enough, Spock also brought his mouth back to the side of your neck, this time on the other than before. It felt like all the sensations were getting too much at the moment and you let out a muffled cry and tossed your head back. Apparently, Spock had thought he hurt you because he stilled for a short moment then continued his actions, even fiercer than before. You weren’t sure how you managed to handle all of it and were grateful that you could fist your hands in his sheets, to have something to keep you grounded or you’d have gone crazy. You started whimpering as you felt your orgasm approach. Of course also your fiancé noticed and while he got a little less fervent in his ministrations, he turned more sensual instead. Not much later, the bliss of your orgasm consumed you and only shortly after, Spock stopped altogether but stayed in the mind meld and wanted to know if you were okay. You could only answer after you had calmed down a bit.

“Yes” you breathed out and grabbed his wrist “But I’d be much happier if you continued to reach your release as well. I surely told you that every time” you pulled his head down to peck his lips. He responded with a nod and then ended your meld before he resumed thrusting into you until he too came with a deep growl against your neck. For a moment he stayed like that, trying to steady his breathing, before he let go of you and lay down beside you, pulling you against him so that your chest rested against his. He leaned his forehead against yours, making you smile “Thank you” you whispered, gently stroking the side of his face, then letting your hand wander over his neck to his chest.

“You do not need to thank me, (Y/N)” he replied, burying his nose in your hair. You moved your hand down to his heart which still beat even faster than usual

“I suppose I should go and get cleaned while you can have a moment to yourself to bring your emotions into order and let logic overrule all else” you teased, ruffling his hair with a giggle.

“We can do so later as well. I wish to hold you for a while longer”

“Of course” you nuzzled his neck and pecked his skin there. For some seconds you were silent, then spoke up again “I somehow don’t want to leave. Can I sleep here tonight?”

“If you have believed that I would want you to leave, you are mistaken”

“That’s settled them. I sleep here. But maybe we should finish our dinner first” you smiled and moved closer “I just hope no one says something about the hickeys tomorrow. Especially not my date” a short giggle left your mouth

“I am certain that he will not mind” he lifted his head to peck one of the countless hickeys on your neck “Seeing that I myself am responsible for them”

“Just next time I’m on an accidental ‘date’ with someone, you should give it to them straight that I’m taken” a big smile crept on your face “Although I admit that it is kinda funny and cute to see you being jealous and trying to hide it” you pecked his lips “And don’t try to deny it because as I told you earlier, actions mean more than words. But know what? I still love you”

[miserablesme]

The Les Miserables Changelog Part 3: 1987 Broadway Production

Hello, everyone! This is the latest edition in my attempt to chronicle all of the musical and lyrical changes which the show Les Miserables has undergone over the years. This time, we're going through all the changes between the musical as it existed on the West End around 1985-1986 and the revised libretto for the 1987 Broadway production.

In some ways, this is a much easier changelog to compile than the last two simply because it is much easier to find audio evidence of the show from this era than from its pre-1987 self. We have a full soundboard of the original Broadway cast as well as a very good quality bootleg of the very first Broadway preview, as well as several audios from the next few years which use exactly the same script. We also have an officially released Symphonic Soundtrack which almost (but not quite) follows this version of the libretto exactly. So no more relying on unclear bootlegs and speculation to figure out what was changed when!

Having said that, the changes in this production were MASSIVE. It's almost certainly the most extensive edit the show's libretto has received to this day. As such, this will be a very long edition of this blog. So make sure you have a bit of time on your hands before reading it! With all that cleared up, let's begin.

The first change literally can be heard as soon as the musical begins. The pre-Broadway show opens up with the same recurring motif also heard, for instance, at the openings of "At the End of the Day" and "One Day More". This music then transitioned to the instrumentals to the opening "Work Song". The post-Broadway libretto cuts right to the chase, with the opening instrumentals to the "Work Song" starting right up without any preamble.

One interesting little non-scripted change occurs later in the "Work Song", but only in American productions. For whatever reason, every American Javert from the original Broadway cast until the first Broadway revival sang "And I am Javert" instead of "And I'm Javert", for reasons that honestly baffle me. Again, the libretto retained the original contraption as far as I'm aware, and the West End production as well as later UK and Australian tours still used it as well.

The next change happens while Valjean is on parole. After Valjean pleads against the farmer underpaying him, this was the farmer's original response:

Do you believe

A yellow ticket of leave

Allows a criminal like you to earn full screw?

Since Broadway, his response is instead as follows:

You broke the law

It's there for people to see

Why should you get the same as honest men like me?

I much prefer this revised version. Though the information is essentially the same, it feels more dramatic, as well as feeling less awkward now that it is in the form of separate sentences as opposed to a single sentence spoken in three lines with pauses in between. Moreover, the phrase "honest men like me" as used here provides interesting foreshadowing for its more well-known usage in "Master of the House". One could spend quite some time analysing the implications of this recurring description, but this blog is long enough as it is so now isn't the time!

In the same number, originally the innkeeper's wife had the following remark:

My rooms are full

And I've no supper to spare

I'd like to help you really, all I want is to be fair

Since Broadway, her line has been slightly modified:

My rooms are full

And I've no supper to spare

I'd like to help a stranger, all we want is to be fair

I suppose "I'd like to help a stranger" sounds less slang-y than "help you really". Presumably this is why it was changed. I find the change of subject from singular to plural far more interesting. My hypothesis is that the writers wanted to make it clear than this is a communal grudge, not a personal one. Everyone around sees it as perfectly fair to deny shelter to a former convict, not just this one individual. I definitely prefer the revised line, but evidently the producers of the West End production didn't; that production held on to the original lyrics for more than a decade after they were originally revised! More on that in a later edition of this blog...

A more minor change can be heard during "At the End of the Day". Originally, Valjean asks the factor workers "What is this shouting all about?" The Broadway script changes this to "What is this fighting all about?" Much less trivial implications now. I'm curious as to whether or not a staging change may have accompanied this. Usually the two workers get into quite a bit of physical scuffle by this point, far beyond the realm of shouting. Did the original pre-Broadway production use more subdued choreography?

"The Runaway Cart" has some noticeable differences. After Valjean asks the townspeople for help, the original response was sung by the entire ensemble, and went as follows:

(SOLO)

Don't go near him, Monsieur Mayor

There's nothing at all you can do

(ENSEMBLE)

The old man is a goner for sure

Leave him alone

The Broadway libretto revised this into a sequence sung by one individual at a time with the following lyrics:

Don't go near him, Monsieur Mayor

The load is as heavy as hell

The old man is a goner for sure

It will kill you as well

A female ensemble member sung "The old man is a goner for sure" while a male member sung the rest. I sort of like it better as an ensemble piece (something that would be largely brought back in later years, as I'll soon discuss) although I think it's cool that it rhymes now. Having said that, I'm fairly confident that no one in the real world has ever actually used the phrase "Heavy as hell"!

An official change in the libretto occurred in "Who Am I?" but listeners to the original Broadway cast would not have heard it. While the pre-Broadway show had Valjean refer to "This innocent who bears my face", the revised libretto instead refers to "This innocent who wears my face". Perhaps a means of avoiding repetition, given that the word "bear" is used again later in the number? Regardless, Colm Wilkinson didn't actually bother to adapt to this change! He still sings "This innocent who bears my face" in the Broadway production (as well as the tenth anniversary concert; not until his 1998 stint in Toronto did he ever start singing the revised lyrics). Since every future Valjean (except Ivan Rutherford for some reason) sings "wears", I still see it as appropriate to mention here.

At the end of the song, Valjean's "You know where to find me!", used on and off in the Barbican previews before becoming a settled part of the production by the final pre-Broadway libretto, is once again removed for the Broadway show. However, the West End production would keep it for a few years - more on that later...

Just listening to the original Broadway cast, one might think Javert's "Dare you talk to me of crime?" becomes "Dare you speak to me of crime?" However, this seems to be a Terrence Mann-exclusive change. Every Javert after him reverts to the original lyrics (as did Terrence himself when he returned to the musical fifteen years later). I'm still making note of the change here for the sake of clarification.

An instrumental change occurs between "Castle on a Cloud" and "Master of the House". Mme. Thenardier's "You heard me ask for something and I never ask twice" was original followed by three bars of notes, then by six more bars of notes that are identical to each other. After the Broadway production, however, those six bars of notes grow increasingly more dramatic as they go on.

A very slight change happens during the preamble to "Master of the House". Originally one of the guests proclaims "Hell, what a wine" while the revised libretto instead has him claim "God, what a wine". Definitely more natural in my opinion, though not a huge difference by any means.

A few subtle differences exist in the "Waltz of Treachery" number. First off, Thenardier originally asks "Have we done for your child what is best?" The Broadway libretto changes "your child" to "her child". I personally like the original lyric better, as it goes back to the idea established earlier that Valjean is metaphorically bargaining through the spirit of Fantine. It's definitely not a difference that makes or breaks the number, though.

Towards the end of the song comes another change that cannot actually be heard by listening to the original Broadway cast. In the pre-Broadway show, Valjean used the line "Let us seek out a friendlier sky", while the revised libretto has him say "Let us seek out some friendlier sky". However, Colm Wilkinson once again doesn't bother to adapt to the change, and unlike the "Who Am I?" change he wouldn't learn it over time either. He continues to sing "a friendlier sky" throughout his on-and-off performances as Valjean, right up to and including his 2002 run in Shanghai!

After the bulk of the number comes a more significant change. Prior to the Broadway production, as was discussed in the last entry, the "Waltz of Treachery" was followed by about forty-five seconds of vamping and then this exchange in the tune of "Castle on a Cloud":

(LITTLE COSETTE)

We're going home right now, monsieur

What is your name

(VALJEAN)

Now my dear

I've names enough, I've got names to spare

But where I go, you always will be there

Nor will you be afraid again

There is a sun that's shining yet

(LITTLE COSETTE)

I'm going to call you my Papa

(VALJEAN)

I'm going to call you my Cosette

The Broadway libretto replaced it with just under twenty seconds of vamping, followed by a sequence in the tune of the "Waltz of Treachery":

(VALJEAN)

Come Cosette

Come my dear

From now on I will always be here

Where I go

You will be

(LITTLE COSETTE)

Will there be children

And castles to see?

(VALJEAN)

Yes, Cosette

Yes it's true

There's a castle just waiting for you

This is followed by another fifteen or so seconds of vamping, and then the humming duet between Cosette and Valjean carries on as before.

Arguably the biggest change in the entire edited libretto happens now. Whereas the number was originally directly followed by "Stars", things have been moved around so that it instead transitions directly into "Look Down". "Look Down" itself receives a lot of adjustments. First off, the number began in the pre-Broadway musical with a bar of music that was then repeated. The Broadway version only plays the bar of music once, and the sung part happens immediately afterwards.

Gavroche's verse receives some lyrical updates. Originally it used the following lines:

This is my school, my high society

From St. Denis to St Michel

We live on crumbs of humble piety

Tough on the teeth, but what the hell?

If you're poor, if you're free

Follow me, follow me!

The Broadway production rewrote that sequence a little:

This is my school, my high society

Here in the slums of St Michel

We live on crumbs of humble piety

Tough on the teeth, but what the hell?

Think you're poor? Think you're free?

Follow me, follow me!

Better lines in my humble opinion; "slums" conveys the poverty of Gavroche's community much more effectively than the original line, and phrasing the "poor" and "free" lines as questions is more dramatic than their original statement form.

The old beggar woman's original "You give 'em all the pox" becomes the less grammatically accurate "Give 'em all the pox" for Broadway, though I have no idea if the original "You" was part of the libretto or simply an improvisation. Since seemingly all actresses used that line for the first few years of the West End production, it strikes me as warranting a mention.

Right after this comes another change. In the pre-Broadway show, the argument between the beggar woman and the prostitute was followed by an exchange by a few individual beggars. All of the following lines were said by one person at a time, the first three being said by female beggars and the last one by a male beggar:

When's it gonna end?

When're we gonna live?

Something's gotta happen, dearie

Something's gotta give

The Broadway libretto changes this to an ensemble piece performed by all the beggars simultaneously:

When's it gonna end?

When're we gonna live?

Something's gotta happen now or

Something's gotta give

I really like the switch to a group effort, as it really emphasizes that the beggars are a community sharing the burden of poverty. It really feels like an epidemic to an extent that it doesn't when it's just a small conversation. Evidently the producers of the West End show didn't agree with me though, as they held onto the original sequence for more than a decade after the official change, and by that point it had already been largely reverted worldwide! More on that in a later blog...

Originally, the exposition about General Lamarque was given by a few random students (supposedly not specified in the libretto, but in practice portrayed as Combeferre and Feuilly). Some ensemble dialogue between beggars was put in between. Feuilly sings over the end of the ensemble's lines - but many have speculated that this was not intended by the writers, as the background music sounds super out of sync with his singing! Here's how the scene went:

(COMBEFERRE)

As for the leaders of the land

As for the swells who run this show

Only one man and that's Lamarque

Speaks for the people here below

(BEGGARS)

Something for a meal

Something for a doss

Something in the name of Him who died upon the cross

On the cross, come across

On the cross, come across, come across

(FEUILLY)

Lamarque is ill and fading fast

Won't last the week out, so they say

With all the anger in the land

How long before the judgement day?

Before we cut the fat ones down to size?

Before the barricades arise?

Fortunately, the writers of the Broadway libretto had the sense to change the purveyors of the message into people actually relevant to the show's plot, namely Marius and Enjolras. Moreover, the beggars' dialog was rewritten into a sequence that feels far less clunky to me. The background music was fixed to account for the solo singing (now done by Marius) overlapping the beggars' lines, so it is now perfectly in sync. Here's the edited exchange:

(ENJOLRAS)

Where are the leaders of the land?

Where are the swells who run this show?

(MARIUS)

Only one man and that's Lamarque

Speaks for the people here below

(BEGGARS)

See our children fed

Help us in our shame

Something for a crust of bread in Holy Jesus' name

(SOLO BEGGAR)

In the Lord's holy name

(BEGGARS)

In His name, in His name, in His name

(MARIUS)

Lamarque is ill and fading fast

Won't last the week out, so they say

(ENJOLRAS)

With all the anger in the land

How long before the judgement day?

Before we cut the fat ones down to size?

Before the barricades arise?

Much better in my opinion! It should be noted that David Bryant instead sings "these people here below", but as far as I can tell every future Marius (or later Enjolras - more on that later) sings "the people, which is the actually phrasing in the libretto.

One final change in Look Down: Gavroche now says that all of Thenardier's family is "on the make", as opposed to the original "on the take". A rather pointless change in my book, though it certainly doesn't hurt anything.

"The Robbery" is another heavily edited number. Thenardier's line after acknowledging Brujon, Babet, and Claquesous was originally as follows:

You Montparnasse, watch for the p'lice

With Eponine, take care

You've got all the hash, I've got all the cash

The Broadway show rewrote those lines into their still-current form:

You Montparnasse, watch for the law

With Eponine, take care

You turn on the tears, no mistakes my dears!

This changed lyric more naturally transitions the scene into the gang's actual plan, though the original is an interesting continuation of Gavroche's recollection of Thenardier once running a hash house.

Mme. Thenardier's response is also altered from the original lyrics:

Here come a student from our street

One of 'Ponine's peculiar gents

Our Eponine would kiss his feet

She never showed a bit of sense

Into the current ones:

These bloody students on our street

Here they come slumming once again

Our Eponine would kiss their feet

She never showed a scrap of brain

It's interesting how the edit shifts the focus from Marius in particular to the students in general. It seems that Mme. Thenardier is less aware of the specifics of her daughter's personal life now, something that makes sense for her character.

After Mme. Thenardier's "You'll be in the clear", there was originally just eighteen seconds of a musical motif (the same one which opens "At the End of the Day" and "One Day More") followed by Thenardier's speech. Since Broadway, it's instead been followed by a few more lines of dialogue:

(MARIUS)

Who is that man

(EPONINE)

Leave me alone!

(MARIUS)

Why is here?

Hey Eponine!

Only now does the musical motif play. But instead of staying silent upon seeing Cosette, Marius now sings "I didn't see you there, forgive me..." Interestingly, in this video of a 1987 performance of the original West End production, Marius just stops without bumping into Cosette as he usually does. This makes me wonder whether or not the bumping was added into the Broadway version, and the lyric was added to accomodate for the blocking change. Of course, this is all speculation; I have no way to know for sure.

Thenardier's con job is also quite a bit different post-Broadway. Originally it used the following lyrics:

How you do? Spare a sou

God will see all the good that you do

Look monsieur, lost a leg

Hero of Waterloo now has to beg

Wait a bit, know that face...

The Broadway libretto edited it into its current form:

Please monsieur, come this way

Here's a child that ain't eaten today

Save a life, spare a sou

God rewards all the good that you do

Wait a bit, know that face...

It's interesting how Thenardier's facade shifts in focus from his own supposed hardship to that of an alleged child. I suppose the latter would be a good bit more effective in convincing passersby to donate!

During "Javert's Intervention", Thenardier now says "It was me that told you so, as opposed to the original "Wot told you so"; however, this seems to be a regional choice to account for a lack of Cockney accent, not an official libretto change. British productions retain the original "Wot".

“The Robbery” ends quite differently. Its pre-Broadway form had Gavroche’s remarks directly follow Javert’s “Clear this garbage off the street!” However, now Javert’s line is instead followed by some instrumentals to a slower version of the same tune as, for instance, “Honest work/Just reward/That’s the way to please the lord” and “He will bend/He will break/This time there is no mistake”.

After these instrumentals come the “Stars” number, now in a much more natural location given that Javert now has a logical reason to be thinking about Valjean!

The number itself is mostly the same, up until the final segment. After Javert’s “Those who falter and those who fall must pay the price”, he originally had the following lyrics:

Scarce to be counted

Changing the chaos

To order and light

You are the sentinels

Silent and sure

Keeping watch in the night

Keeping watch in the night

The post-Broadway show replaced this with a much more climactic remark:

Lord let me find him

That I may see him

Safe behind bars

I will never rest ‘til then

This I swear

This is swear by the stars

WOW, what an improvement! Now the stars are tied much better to Valjean himself, and Javert’s motivation is much clearer!

Now that “Stars” is over, we finally get Gavroche's remarks. The lyrics are the same; however, instead of the tempo progressively getting faster as it goes along, it now gets progressively slower. Interestingly the audio of the first preview has Gavroche saying "mother dear" instead of "auntie dear", but it's back to the original line by the second known original Broadway cast audio. Both audio feature Braden Danner; whether the "mother dear" was a choice on his part or a director's, a flub, or a libretto change that was later reverted is unknown.

"Eponine's Errand" has some significant changes. First off, the original libretto gave Marius and Eponine this exchange:

(MARIUS)

Did you see that lovely girl

(EPONINE)

A lovely two-a-penny thing

The Broadway libretto edited it a little:

(MARIUS)

Eponine, who was that girl?

(EPONINE)

Some bourgeois two-a-penny thing

Marius' request has also been changed from its original lyrics:

Eponine, do this for me

But careful how you go

Your father mustn't know

He'll strike another blow

'Ponine, I'm lost until she's found

Into some far clearer and more direct instructions:

Eponine, do this for me

Discover where she lives

But careful how you go

Don't let your father know

'Ponine, I'm lost until she's found

And yes, the line was "your father" right from day one. Michael Ball flubs it as "her father" on the complete symphonic recording, leading many to assume that was the original lyric which was changed later. But I'm not aware of a single live performance to use that lyric (which doesn't make a lot of sense anyway).

Another side note: Some Marius actors have very slightly changed the third line to "Be careful how you go" or "But careful as you go", though neither lyric is the standard.

Post-Broadway, as the instrumentals to "Red and Black" play, a student (I'm not sure which one) now shouts Enjolras' name before the singing begins.

During "Red and Black", Michael Maguire changes the original "It is easy to sit here and swat 'em like flies" to "Oh, it's easy to sit here and swat 'em like flies". However, this is an individual choice of the actor, not an official libretto change. Every future Enjolras I'm aware of (except Ramin Karimloo for some reason) uses the original line.

An actual libretto change occurs soon afterwards. After Marius' entrance, Grantaire originally asks, "Marius, what's wrong with you today?" The post-Broadway show changes this to "Marius, you're late. What's wrong today?" This makes it much clearer why Grantaire might suspect something is wrong.

Soon afterwards, Grantaire's original line "We talk of battles to be won, and here he comes like Don Juan" is slightly tweaked to "You talk of battles to be won". This is a little more appropriate, since Grantaire isn't actually doing a lot of talking!

After "Red and Black", Gavroche's part is very slightly changed. First off, American performances for a few years would have Gavroche whistle right before everyone quiets down, though I have no idea if this was in the libretto or not.

Secondly, Gavroche's original remark, "It's General Lamarque! He's dead!" is shortened to just "General Lamarque is dead!"

In another contender for the biggest change in the entire edit, the entire "I Saw Him Once" number is totally removed. I have mixed feelings about this. It does give Cosette, a frustratingly underwritten character, some additional content. However, stylistically it's not all that much like any other number in the musical, and it doesn't really add enough information to the show to warrant a whole song. So I say with regret that it was probably for the best to delete the number.

To compensate for the lost number, "In My Life" is lengthened to include the establishing character moments that "I Saw Him Once" originally did. Originally it opened as follows:

(COSETTE)

Dearest papa, can I tell him of this?

How can I tell him the things that I feel?

How could he understand?

(VALJEAN)

Dear Cosette, you're such a lonely child...

The post-Broadway opener is instead as follows:

(COSETTE)

How strange, this feeling that my life's begun at last

This change, can people really fall in love so fast?

What's the matter with you Cosette?

Have you been to much on your own?

So many things unclear

So many things unknown

In my life

There are so many questions and answers

That somehow seem wrong

In my life

There are times when I catch in the silence

The sigh of a faraway song

And it sings of a world that I long to see

Out of reach, just a whisper away, waiting for me

Does he know I'm alive? Do I know if he's real?

Does he see what I see? Does he feel what I feel?

In my life

I'm no longer alone

Now the love in my life is so near

Find me now, find me here

(VALJEAN)

Dear Cosette, you're such a lonely child...

After Valjean gives Cosette his cryptic defense of his secrecy, Cosette had a remark that is sadly incredibly hard to understand in the quality of the recordings we have. It apparently went something like this:

There are voices I hear

That come into my mind

Full of noise, full of fear

When the noise was unkind

In my life

I'm no longer afraid

And I yearn for the truth that you know

Of the years, years ago

Her post-Broadway response is much shorter:

In my life

I'm no longer a child

And I yearn for the truth that you know

Of the years, years ago

Shorter, but just as effective in my book. Plus, the use of the word "child" nicely ties into Valjean's initial remark that Cosette is "such a lonely child", as well as Cosette's frustration that he still sees her as "a child who is lost in the woods".

The next number, "A Heart Full of Love", also has a LOT of rewritten lyrics. First of all, after Marius' "I do not even know your name", these are his original lyrics:

Dear mademoiselle

I am lost in your spell

The Broadway production changed the lyrics into:

Dear mademoiselle

Won't you say? Will you tell?

I suppose this fits a little better with his remark about not knowing Cosette's name.

After Marius and Cosette finally learn each other's names (an important step in a relationship if you ask me!) this was their original way of showing their affection:

(MARIUS)

Cosette, your name is like a song

(COSETTE)

My song is you

(MARIUS)

Is it true?

(COSETTE)

Yes, it's true

The Broadway production rewrote it into the following:

(MARIUS)

Cosette, I don't know what to say

(COSETTE)

Then make no sound

(MARIUS)

I am lost

(COSETTE)

I am found

In my opinion, the rewrite captures the slight awkwardness of young love much better, as well as making a lot more sense!

Immediately afterwards, this is the original exchange:

(MARIUS and COSETTE)

A heart full of love

A heart full of you

(MARIUS)

The words are foolish but they're true

Cosette, Cosette

What were we dreaming when we met?

(COSETTE)

I can sing

(MARIUS)

Dear Cosette

(COSETTE)

A heart full of love...

The Broadway libretto redoes the scene as the following:

(MARIUS)

A heart full of love

(COSETTE)

A night bright as day

(MARIUS)

And you must never go away

Cosette, Cosette

(COSETTE)

This is a chain we'll never break

(MARIUS)

Do I dream?

(COSETTE)

I'm awake

(MARIUS)

A heart full of love...

Almost a totally different scene! The post-Broadway variant is better structured, but I do like the original too.

As the trio of Marius, Cosette, and Eponine exchanges inner monologues, Marius originally has the line "I saw her waiting and I knew". The Broadway libretto changed this to "A single look and then I knew". I kind of prefer the original, as it implies a little more than something as trivial as a cursory glance.

In the closing lyrical overlap of the song, Cosette originally sings "Waiting for you", but post-Broadway she sings "I knew it too". Then, she originally sings "At your call" but post-Broadway she sings "Every day".

During the opening to "The Attack on Rue Plumet", Montparnasse refers to Valjean as "the one that got away the other day" as opposed to his original "the bloke wot got away the other day". However, this is another regional change made for the sake of making sense outside of a cockney accent. The official libretto still had the original lyrics.

A tiny change occurs during Thenardier and Eponine's fight. Claquesous originally thinks it's a palaver and an absolute treat "to watch a cat and its father" picking a bone in the street. The Broadway libretto changed this to "see a cat and a father". Why exactly the writers felt the need to make such a miniscule edit is mystifying to me, but it certainly doesn't hurt anything.

Another change occurs later in the number, after Eponine's scream. Originally this was Thenardier's reaction:

Make for the sewers, don't wait around

Leave her to me, go underground

You wait my girl, you'll rue this night

I'll make you scream, you'll scream alright!

These lines were mixed up a bit for the Broadway libretto:

You wait my girl, you'll rue this night

I'll make you scream, you'll scream alright!

Leave her to me, don't wait around

Make for the sewers, go underground

The post-Broadway variation arguably is a bit less climactic due to it not ending on a threat. However, the original climax isn't all that appropriate since Eponine and Thenardier never actually interact at any later point in the musical. I like that the post-Broadway version ends on something that's actually relevant to the remainder of the show (namely, that Thenardier will be in the sewers). Evidently the West End producers didn't agree with me; this is another line in which the original was kept there for more than a decade (at which point a rewrite closer to the original was already being used worldwide)!

In "One Day More", Javert's "One day more to revolution" is slightly changed to "One more day to revolution". However, the number is otherwise unchanged.

And that's it for Act One! The opening barricade scene to act two has a small change. Grantaire's pre-Broadway "Some will bark, some will bite" was changed to "Dogs will bark, fleas will bite". Makes a lot more sense in my opinion!

The opening to "On My Own" is changed as well. Originally it was performed as follows:

And now I'm all alone again

Nowhere to go, no one to turn to

I did not want your money sir

I came out here 'cause I was told to

The Broadway version rewrote it into the following:

And now I'm alone again

Nowhere to turn, no one to go to

Without a home, without a friend

Without a face to say hello to

A huge improvement in my book. It actually rhymes now, and is far less likely to be misconstrued as ungrateful.

After receiving a massive overhaul not that long before, "Little People" was slightly tweaked for the Broadway show. The pre-Broadway version had this ending:

So never kick a dog

Because he’s just a pup

You’d better run for cover when the pup grows up!

Another line (taken from the original longer version of "Little People" as well as all versions of its reprise) was added for the post-Broadway show:

So never kick a dog

Because he’s just a pup

We'll fight like twenty armies and we won't give up

So you’d better run for cover when the pup grows up!

Grantaire's line afterwards is literally reversed in meaning from the original "Better far to die a schoolboy than a policeman and a spy!" into "What's the difference? Die a schoolboy, die a policeman, die a spy!" This post-Broadway lyric fits better into Grantaire's cynical personality.

A very subtle edit is made in "Little Fall of Rain" (to the point that I only just realized its existence by reading an old internet forum!) Pre-Broadway, Marius asks Eponine "Did you see my beloved?" The tense is changed from past to present perfect for the Broadway libretto, so that he now sings "Have you seen my beloved?"

"Drink with Me" receives quite a bit of editing. The opening few lines are originally all sung by Grantaire:

Drink with me to days gone by

Sing with me the songs we knew

Here's to pretty girls who went to our heads

Here's to witty girls who went to our beds

Here's to them and here's to you

Now, those lyrics are split between various students:

(FEUILLY)

Drink with me to days gone by

Sing with me the songs we knew

(PROUVAIRE)

Here's to pretty girls who went to our heads

(JOLY)

Here's to witty girls who went to our beds

(ALL STUDENTS)

Here's to them and here's to you

A far more touching scene now that it entails an entire group of friends reminiscing about their lives, as opposed to the thoughts of one heavily drunk individual.

Originally this was followed by a segment by the male ensemble:

Drink with me to days gone by

To the life that used to be

At the shrine of friendship never say die

Let the wine of friendship never run dry

Then, this was followed by the same lyrics, but sung by the male and female ensembles overlapping. The Broadway libretto removes that and replaces it with an all-new segment with Grantaire. It's much more cynical and philosophical than his original lines:

Drink with me to days gone by

Can it be you fear to die?

Will the world remember you when you fall?

Could it be your death means nothing at all?

Is you life just one more lie?

The lyrics from the pre-Broadway show, in their male-and-female overlapping form, are played afterwards.

The next change occurs during the Second Attack. Pre-Broadway, this was how the opening lyrics went:

(ENJOLRAS)

How do we stand, Feuilly make your report

(FEUILLY)

We've guns enough but bullets running short

(MARIUS)

Let me go into the street

There are bodies all around

Ammunition to be had

Lots of bullets to be found

Some very small edits were made for Broadway:

(ENJOLRAS)

How do we stand, Feuilly make your report

(FEUILLY)

We've guns enough but ammunition short

(MARIUS)

I will go into the street

There are bodies all around

Ammunition to be had

Lots of bullets to be found

The following exchange also is a bit edited. Here's how it went pre-Broadway:

(ENJOLRAS)

I can't let you go, it's too much of a chance

(MARIUS)

And the same can be said for any man here

(VALJEAN)

Let me go in his place, he's no more than a boy

I am old and alone and have nothing to fear

Post-Broadway, it instead goes as follows:

(ENJOLRAS)

I can't let you go, it's too much of a chance

(MARIUS)

And the same is true for any man here

(VALJEAN)

Let me go, he's no more than a boy

I am old, I have nothing to fear

Finally, Gavroche's final lines are as follows pre-Broadway:

So never kick a dog

Because he’s just a pup

You’d better run for cover when the pup grows up

And we’ll fight like twenty armies and we won’t give…

A small edit is made for the Broadway production, so that the latter two lines are reversed:

So never kick a dog

Because he’s just a pup

We’ll fight like twenty armies and we won’t give up

So you’d better run for cover when the pup grows...

I'd say this is an improvement, since Gavroche's death is all the more impactful when his literal last unfinished words are about growing up.

Not long afterwards comes the Final Battle. Leading up to Enjolras' climactic moment, the original lines went as follows:

(ENJOLRAS)

Come on my friends, though we stand here alone

Let us go to our deaths with our face to our foes

(COMBEFERRE)

Let 'em pay for each death with a death of their own

(COURFEYRAC)

If they get me, by God, they will pay through the nose

(ENJOLRAS)

Let others rise to take our place

Until the earth is free

The sequence was edited for Broadway, giving a bit more breathing space:

(ENJOLRAS)

Let us die facing our foes

Make them bleed while they can

(COMBEFERRE)

Make them pay through the nose

(COURFEYRAC)

Make them pay for every man

(ENJOLRAS)

Let others rise to take our place

Until the earth is free

"Dog Eats Dog" is a very heavily-edited number. First off, the vamping at the beginning originally lasts about 30 seconds. By Broadway, it has been reduced to about nineteen seconds.

After Thenardier's "As a service to the town" line, he originally sung the following lines:

It's a world where the dogs eat the dogs

And the worst is as good as the best

It's a stinking great sewer that's crawling with rats

And one rat is as good as the rest

I raise my eyes to see the heavens

And only the moon looks down

That entire sequence was cut for Broadway.

Soon afterwards, Thenardier originally proclaims "Here's a little toy". The Broadway edit changes it to "Here's another toy", perhaps to make it seem less repetitive after his "pretty little thing" line.

The exact same lines from after "As a service to the town" are repeated in the pre-Broadway number after Thenardier's "When the gutters run with blood" line, with one more line added afterwards:

It's a world where the dogs eat the dogs

And the worst is as good as the best

It's a stinking great sewer that's crawling with rats

And one rat is as good as the rest

I raise my eyes to see the heavens

And only the moon looks down

The harvest moon shines down

Unlike the first instance of those lines, they aren't completely excised for Broadway. They are, however, significantly rewritten:

It's a world where the dogs eat the dogs

And they kill for the bones in the street

And God in His heavens, He don't interfere

'Cause He's dead as the stiffs at my feet

I raise my eyes to see the heavens

And only the moon looks down

The harvest moon shines down

I really like how the edited version focuses more on godlessness than on how gross the sewer is. Not that a lack of a god is inherently sinister; I am quite agnostic myself and I think the unbreakable connection between religion and morality alleged by some is ridiculous. But it is blatantly obvious that Thenardier sees no reason to be moral provided no one will punish him.

As a side note, the 1985 London official soundtrack oddly uses this variant, yet the 1986 bootleg audio I have uses the original. Perhaps the original was experimented with, reverted, and later put in again? Who knows...

After the number, Thenardier now shouts Valjean's name.

The encounter in the sewers between Valjean and Javert originally ended as follows, with Javert's first two lines here in a tune not heard anywhere else in the musical to my recollection:

(VALJEAN)

Come, time is running short

(JAVERT)

Go take him, I'll be waiting at the door

I've never met a man like you before

A man such as you

The sequence was extended for the Broadway libretto, to the tune of "Look Down" and the "Work Song":

(VALJEAN)

Come, time is running short

Look down, Javert

He's standing in his grave

(VALJEAN - simultaneously with the next two lines)

Give way, Javert

There is a life to save

(JAVERT - simultaneously with the previous two lines)

Take him, Valjean

Before I change my mind

(JAVERT)

I will be waiting, 24601

A slight change can be heard in "Every Day". Originally Marius sings that he and Cosette will "remember that night and the song that we sang". The Broadway libretto edited this into the decidedly less medium-aware "remember that night and the vow that we made".

"Valjean's Confession" has been reworked to the point that it can scarcely even be considered the same song. After Valjean's "There's something now that must be done", this was how the song went:

(VALJEAN)

Monsieur, I cannot stay a night beneath your roof

I am a convict, sir, my body bears the proof

My name is Jean Valjean

I never told Cosette, I bear this guilt alone

And this I swear to you, her innocence is real

Her love is true

Our love, our life, are now her own

And I must face the years alone

(MARIUS)

I do not understand what's the sense of it all?

Is the world upside down?

Will the universe fall?

If it's true what you say, and Cosette doesn't know

Why confess it to me?

Why confess it at all?

What forces you to speak after all?

(VALJEAN)

You and Cosette must be free of reproach

It is not your affair

There is a darkness that's over my life

It's the cross I must bear

It's for Cosette this must be faced

If I am found, she is disgraced

(MARIUS)

What can I do that would turn you from this...

After the Broadway rewrite, Valjean's "There's something now that must be done" is followed by this:

(VALJEAN)

You've spoken from the heart, and I must do the same

There is a story, sir, of slavery and shame

That you alone must know

I never told Cosette, she had enough of tears

She's never known the truth, the story you must hear

Of years ago

There lived a man whose name was Jean Valjean

He stole some bread to save his sister's son

For nineteen winters served his time

In sweat he washed away his crime

Years ago

He broke parole and lived a life apart

How could he tell Cosette and break her heart?

It's for Cosette this must be faced

If he is caught she is disgraced

The time is come to journey on

And from this day he must be gone

Who am I?

Who am I?

(MARIUS)

You're Jean Valjean

What can I do that will turn you from this...

The few lines afterwards are the same, but as you can see not much else in the song is! Even the tune diverges a lot between the two variants. I'm very conflicted about which one I prefer. I gravitate towards the final one, though it's nice that the original actually tried to address to confusing notion that Valjean wants to tell his son-in-law of his past yet not his own daughter.

"Beggars at the Feast" originally ended with a solo for Thenardier:

(THENARDIER and MME. THENARDIER)

We know where the wind is blowing

Money is the stuff we smell

(THENARDIER)

And when I'm rich as Croesus

Jesus, won't I see you all in Hell!

The Broadway libretto switched this to a group line:

(THENARDIER and MME. THENARDIER)

We know where the wind is blowing

Money is the stuff we smell

And when we're rich as Croesus

Jesus, won't we see you all in Hell!

I much prefer the revised version, as the two Thenardiers clearly are in this act together. It seems more appropriate to let them both have the last laugh.

A small change occurs in the Epilogue. Pre-Broadway, Fantine sings "You raised my child with love". However, post-Broadway, she instead sings "You raised my child in love".

Another change occurs later in the epilogue. In the pre-Broadway show, Cosette tells Valjean that "It's too soon to ever say goodbye". The post-Broadway libretto instead has her sing "It's too soon, too soon to say goodbye". Repetitive as it may be, I prefer it over the original because the original awkwardly combines language clearly denoting the moment with language implying eternality.

Phew, we're finally at the end! Rest assured this is almost certainly the longest changelog you'll ever be forced to endure. I'm fairly sure it's complete, but this particular rewrite was so extensive it's not impossible that I missed something. Please feel free to let me know if that is the case.

As a side note, both for this project and my own enjoyment, I want as complete a collection of Les Miserables audios as possible. I already have most of what’s commonly circulated, but if you have any audios or videos you know are rare, or some audios that you haven't traded in a few years, I’d love it if you DMed me!

Until the turntable puts me at the forefront again, good-bye…

[autumnslance]

FFXIV Write 2021 #15: Thunderous

((A longer one. Violence, blood, and fire. Not safe for heretics or dragoons as we step back to last week and the aftermath of “Heady”...))

“There they are!” X’rhun exclaimed. “Thank the gods!”

Alberic only puffed a breath in agreement as they ran across and down the ravine to where Aeryn was tending to an ashen-faced Heustienne.

“The cavalry has arrived,” the injured dragoon said dryly, her damaged chainmail removed to allow Aeryn access to the wound. Not the worst Heustienne had ever taken, but more than bad enough.

“Thank Halone you’re safe,” Alberic said as X’rhun dropped to his knees next to the women to lend his own aid if needed. “We heard from Kal Myhk you’d tangled with a group of heretics—”

“They took us to Avengret,” Aeryn’s voice cut him off; quiet, too steady, too calm.

For a moment the world paused, until X’rhun’s tail lashed as he turned to look up at Alberic.

Aeryn wasn’t looking at him, her hands resting on her knees now, feet tucked under her. Heustienne’s gaze flicked between Aeryn and Alberic, her own questions barely held back.

“Let’s get Heustienne upright,” X’rhun said gently. “And then get back to—”

“Anyx Trine?” Aeryn interrupted. “Will they tell me the truth if I ask? They must know. If what she said is true.” She turned her head slightly toward Alberic without raising her face, looking at his boots. “She said I should ask you.”

“Aeryn…” His mouth was dry.

She looked up finally, lips parting to say more, but instead she drew in a sharp breath, eyes wide and shining silver, not seeing Alberic or anything else around her now.

He groaned, whether in fear or agony or relief, he wasn’t certain.

——

Alberic followed Corran Striker into the house. It was a pleasant little place, clean and airy. The edges of the walls were lined with brightly painted flower and vine designs, and small pieces of colored glass bordered the custom-framed windows to allow some of the light to also reflect rainbows into the rooms--that couldn’t have been cheap, Alberic thought.

“Please, leave your helm and lance by the door. I think my wife will forgive the boots this time.”

“I keep the lance close to hand, you understand,” Alberic replied as he at least set down his helm on the table by the door.

There was evidence of children; their house slippers by the door, a doll on a chair, a set of tin knights cluttering the low table in the sitting room. His heart ached. “What a lovely home,” he said. “Will the missus and children be joining us?”

Corran shook his head. “Emelia’s running some of her crafts all the way to Fallgourd in the Shroud, and took Zaine and Aeryn with her for the fun. They’ve been cooped up too long, she thought.” He smiled fondly. “It’s a way she deals with her homesickness, and shares that part of herself with our children; she grew up traveling part of the year selling wares as a girl in Thavnair.”

Relief, but also renewed wariness prickled along Alberic’s spine as he followed Corran to the kitchen, leaning his lance on the wall right behind his chair as he took the offered seat at the dining table. “Thavnair? That’s a ways away. Explains the colors though.”

“I got rather lucky,” Corran replied, his tone warm and genuine. “She misses it, but is somehow willing to stay with me.”

“Ever think of visiting?” Alberic asked casually as Corran went about the motions of preparing the lunch he had offered the tired dragoon when they had accidentally met in the treacherous priest’s chapel. Corran had seemed surprised to learn of Comfraire’s heresy, but had offered hospitality despite his own shaken state.

“If there wasn’t always so much work to do, perhaps someday we could,” Corran said quietly.

“I think I’d take the chance, perhaps even move permanently, were I a common man with a family. Get the children far from the war, among the wife’s people.”

“I won’t lie; the thought has occurred to me,” Corran said. “Though I’m surprised, Ser Azure; I’d think one like you would want to keep promising future soldiers for the war in Ishgard.”

Alberic shrugged. “As I said; were I a common man, with a foreign wife who misses her home and children with futures to think of.”

The chronometer in the hall ticked steadily as Corran worked. “Perhaps. Though much as she misses Thavnair, I’d miss Coerthas. I love my home, Ser Azure. There’s little I wouldn't do to see our homeland prosper.”

Alberic did not reply, not trusting his tongue to respond to the man’s gall.

As Corran came to the table with sandwiches and a decent-looking ale, Alberic smiled. “Then perhaps you can aid me in protecting our homeland,” he said. He hoped he was wrong about Corran. “I am tracking a dangerous creature I believe the false priest Comfraire was working with, coordinating an imminent attack from the Horde.”

Corran raised an eyebrow. “I’m but a simple farmer, Ser. I don’t know what help I could be.” He glanced down at his plate.

The chronometer in the hall continued to tick.

“Know you of anyone Comfraire spent time with, when not pretending to holy duties? Places the priest liked to go when not tending the church? I hear you were among those who escorted the fellow on his daily walks.”

“A duty many of us in the community shared,” Corran replied, tone growing strident. “Do you accuse me of heresy merely for minding an old man on his daily constitutional?”

“No of course not,” Alberic answered. He pulled the correspondence he had found in Comfraire’s hidden desk drawer from his pack. “These letters however do indicate guilt.”

“Well that is another story, isn’t it?” Corran asked, leaning back in his chair. The humble farmer demeanor fell away as he crossed his arms. “Why play along?”

“I wanted to be wrong. You seemed like a decent man with a family you love.”

“I do love them,” Corran replied, voice low and cold. “You’re very unlucky you came this day.”

“She doesn’t know what you really do, does she?”

“And once we’re rid of you, she never will,” Corran said bluntly. “Our war doesn’t concern her.”

“And the children?”

Corran’s grey eyes clouded like thunderstorms, his lips drawn into a snarl. “You’ll never touch them.”

They both leapt, chairs clattering to the ground. Alberic reached for his lance while Corran moved with preternatural speed to the sideboard, pulling a hidden blade he managed to raise in time to block Alberic’s swing.

The house was torn and broken as they fought, Alberic barely able to acknowledge the damage as they threw each other against walls and through furnishings. Corran had an advantage with his shorter blade in the cramped space, but Alberic was a far more practiced fighter. If he could get hold of a sword--or better disarm Corran of his--then the heretic would soon be at his mercy.

He finally saw his moment, spinning his lance to baffle Corran’s blade before using his more heavily armored frame to knock the taller man through a door and into what had to be the master bedroom.

The sword went sliding the opposite way down the hall, and Corran laughed bitterly.

“Give it up, Striker,” Alberic said, pointing his lance. He could see Corran’s waist and legs, but the broken door obscured his head. “Tell me about the coming attack!”

Corran's laugh only continued, growing deeper and more growling. Alberic’s eyes widened as he saw Corran’s body jerk, bones cracking and skin tearing, swelling as scales overtook skin.

He swung to drive his lance down through the man as a roar shook the windows, and through the back wall an aevis tore its way inside, the colorfully bordered window panes shattering across the bedding. The dragon leapt at Alberic, and he swung up, barely blocking the creature’s jaws from clamping onto his still helm-less head as they skid down the hall from the momentum of its impact.

Alberic managed to roll out of the way as the aevis let loose a gout of flame, the fire catching on broken furniture. It came for him again but he had made it to his feet, dashing back toward the kitchen for room to move. The aevis lunged at him as Alberic braced himself, a heel against the base of the sink.

His lance caught the beast’s chest and with a roar of his own from his Inner Dragon surging forth, he used the dragon’s momentum to pierce it deeper, throwing it over his shoulder and halfway through the large window, more bright glass breaking as the thing flailed, screaming flames across the yard as it bled out around the lance through it.

Alberic had no time to retrieve his weapon as Corran came for him, tearing apart the walls to fit his new bulk through them to get to the dragoon. He was larger than most transformations Alberic had seen, a heavy red wyvern, powerful and burning, his eyes filled with the same intelligence they had held as a man.

Alberic swore and dove out of the way of claws longer than his own hands. He managed to duck and roll under and past Corran and back into the hallway, needing the smaller space to disadvantage the dragon. Assuming said dragon didn’t just shoulder the walls out of his way, his fiery head rearing back to blast Alberic.

He barely managed to dodge, the heat unbearable as the walls with their pretty flower paint warped, melted, and crisped in the heat, flames now filling the house. He couldn’t last in here much longer, but also couldn’t let this fight further endanger the rest of the village, the commotion surely drawing attention, though any other knights would be too far away while Corran likely had more allies nearby.

His feet hit more metal that clattered, and he remembered Corran’s sword. As the beast came for him again, Alberic ducked to retrieve it, rolling in low as Corran leaped at him. With another shout, Alberic swung up, sliding along the floor on his knees as Corran passed overhead, the sword slicing down the wyvern’s side.

Corran screeched, landing heavily against the door in a tangle, blood flowing freely, wings and talons unable to get purchase in the too small space.

Alberic breathed heavily as he stood and hurried into the kitchen. The aevis was still jerking through its death throes, making a pathetic, pained cry as he yanked his lance from it, more blood pumping onto the sink and floor.

Alberic returned to the hall. Corran watched him, panting himself, lifesblood pooling around him as smoke filled the air.

“Finish me,” the dragon rumbled, in something resembling Corran’s voice. “But I want a promise first.”

“A promise?” Alberic asked. “Why should I pledge aught to a heretic?”

A weary claw gestured, holding a limp, blood-covered ragdoll. Alberic went cold. “For...them. They’re innocent. But we both know...Inquisitors….”

Alberic coughed as he shivered. They wouldn’t care that the children were only children. They wouldn’t care if Mistress Striker was Thavnairian--if anything, that would make it worse for her, no matter if she truly was unaware of her husband’s sins.

“Maybe...she’ll take them home,” Corran said. “She misses it. They could have…Not this.” His eyes met Alberic’s.

They were the grey eyes of a man.

Alberic nodded. “I promise,” he answered, as he pushed his lance through the wyvern’s heart. “Your family won’t pay for your sins.”

When he opened his smoke-stung eyes again, the dragon was gone, Corran Striker’s lifeless form before him, eyes colorless glass, smiling in relief.

Alberic considered for a moment, then drug Corran’s body toward the heaviest flames devouring the house, throwing him into the fire. With luck it would be so burned as to obscure how he had truly died, if Alberic was to keep his reckless promise.

The aevis in the kitchen was dead finally. Alberic retrieved the correspondence knocked to the floor during the scuffle, and gritting his teeth, threw all but one sheet into the flame as well; there was mention of a tower. If nothing else he could salvage something from this mess.

The heat and smoke were too much now, and people outside were shouting and trying to put out the flames, a woman screaming as she glimpsed the dragon half-hanging from the kitchen.

Alberic stumbled outside, battered and bloodied, and fell unconscious at the feet of the Strikers’ neighbors.

—————

It took only a few eye blinks before Aeryn’s groan echoed Alberic’s from a moment before. X’rhun tried to call to her, but she was on her feet in the next eye blink. She whirled in Alberic’s direction, braid whipping so quickly the end came back around to strike her cheek, unnoticed. Her eyes were a storm, lightning crackling in them.

Alberic did not move. He distantly realized that there was nothing any of the three of them could do to stop her of all people.

She flung herself forward and he took the weight of her body slamming into his, her hands gripping at his coat.

That was all.

Alberic didn’t dare move as she trembled against him, head down. X’rhun and Heustienne watched, breath held. Perhaps they had realized the same thing he had.

"I'd forgotten the windows,” Aeryn said hoarsely. “They were almost new; a Starlight gift from him, for Mama."

Alberic said nothing. What could he say?

“You didn’t tell me.”

He sighed. It took a moment to make sound. “By the time I’d realized who you were, why you were so familiar...Well, we had that mess with Estinien and neither of us were in any shape for more terrible revelations. Not the easiest thing to tell a girl you’re the man that killed her father, regardless of the why. And...If the Inquisition, the Ward, if any of them had found out…”

“I’d have handled them,” she said. Neutral, a matter of fact. She wasn’t one to boast.

“Perhaps,” he said. “I thought...Your mother took you to Thavnair. You would have a life there, away from the war. I never expected you to return. To be...this.”

“You should have told me.”

“I know. And you know I’m a sentimental, craven fool.”

She laughed, a wild, bitter noise, finally looking up. Her eyes locked with his, and he thought for as much as she looked like her mother, her eyes were too much like her father’s.

“X’rhun, can you make sure Heustienne gets back to Anyx Trine?” She said, not breaking her gaze with Alberic. The storm still rumbled in her eyes, but all he could see was old smoke.

“Of course,” the Seeker answered. “Aeryn—”

“I’m going home,” she said, shoving Alberic away. He staggered, barely managing to keep his footing. She was stronger than she looked. “I need time to think and rest.”

“You mean Revenant’s Toll, yes?” X’rhun demanded, tail still lashing.

Aeryn only nodded once as she retrieved her pack from next to Heustienne.

“Call me via ‘pearl when you arrive,” X’rhun insisted.

She paused for a moment, then nodded again, shouldering her pack and walking away.

“What the seven hells am I missing?” Heustienne asked after they watched Aeryn’s red coat vanish among the hills. “What did she see? What did you do?”

“Later,” X’rhun said, helping her to her feet. “Let’s get back to something resembling civilization first; Avengret’s heretics may still be on the trail.”

Alberic said nothing, simply following along as they made their way across the wilderness.